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For the Haley that existed before the Bureau of Fiction rewrote her, see Halley.
Haley Sorsimmanis
BornMay 1, 1982
Pi Island (now Dorkugal)
NationalityDorkugese-Antarctican
Other namesAgent H
EthnicityAdelie Penguin
CitizenshipDorkugal
Home townMattress Village, Eastshield, USA
Known forThe case-in-point for Rule of Law
Signature
Haley Sig.png


O Fortuna (English lyrics)00:00

O Fortuna (English lyrics)

Haley's theme. Click for translation.

Haley Sorsimmanis is a frail, lovable nerd with a crush on Dan. She has long brown hair and a passion for collecting playing cards. Unknown to most, she is also the victim of the greatest Bureau of Fiction punishment in years. As the scapegoat for the wrongdoings of a divine being, she was cursed to live her life as a huge nerd, to never find true love, and to lose all of the traits that made her attractive and popular. Even her last name was changed to immortalize this punishment.

She served a lesson to us all that nothing is above the law, and that what we see now can be altered at the whims of the powers that be, for any reason. Changed forever, Haley provided the example that fortune favors no creature. Rather, we decide who gets the favors and who misses out.

Haley is tormented by memories and dreams from another being, which she calls "Halley". Unknown to Haley, "Halley" is actually her, pre-punishment. A shredding error allowed her to recall her past self.


Background

Haley hatched in what was one day to become Dorkugal, the descendant of a nerdy family that emigrated to Pi Island to find refuge from the torment of more popular and athletic neighbors. She lived there for several years before her family decided to go back to the mainland. They spent months on the continent, looking for a proper place to live and raise a chick. They settled on the sleepy municipality of Mattress Village, where they built an igloo in the mountanious areas near the city limits. A few miles down the dirt road was the igloo of Dan Beronews.

Being sort of a social outcast, Haley spent much of her days indoors, playing video games, watching Steller Travel, and maintaining her collection of playing cards. Even her geeky parents wanted her to get out some, so she exited her igloo one day and headed down the road. There, she met a handesome young penguin named Dan Baronews, whom she quickly developed a crush on. She liked Dan a lot and visited him nearly every day. She would play with him and discuss nerdy topics like calculators, Steller Travel, and other things that Dan couldn't care less about. While Dan was sort of creeped out by the site of such an unattractive nerd visiting so often, he let her hang around with him, and he tried to get interested in her hobbies, even though he hated most of them.

Dan formed an uneasy friendship with Haley, and the two spent their chickhoods either together or nearby, and they all became great friends with other local chicks. Haley, by far, was the nerdiest chick in the city.

When she matured, she set out for a job, and was delighted to join the CNIC, led by her crush, Dan. She landed a job as a secretary, who was one of the most efficient filers in the agency. She was the head secretary by the end of her first year in employment, but her immense geekiness caused Dan to limit how high she could go. Dan was never that big a fan of nerds, and Haley was no exception, even though she was a warm and friendly penguin.



Involvement

Haley remains on the staff of the CNIC and works every day in hopes of earning a promotion and the respect of her best friend and crush, Daniel Beronews. She is diligent in her work, but largely unnoticed because she's such a dork. She doesn't let this get her down, of course, because she's confident in her feminity and doesn't really care if she's a geek or not.

Still, she has always longed to be prettier, less awkward, and more attractive, so that she could win over Dan.



Scapegoat

Haley wasn't always a nerd. It was the result of a supernatural punishment, not even directed at her or her loved ones, that made her what she is today.

In September 2010, in an attempt to cover one of its creation's mistakes, a Holy One breached the contract between its own kind and the Club Penguin Fanon Wiki Universe. The contract simply stated that we can not directly intervene and write the universe's plot, but must do so with a character or item in the universe, either by making one or using an existing one. In other words, a Holy One can not write that a building complex burnt to the ground, but it can write that a fire occured due to a natural disaster, or that a character knocked a candle over and burnt it, or that it just caught on fire for the Lulz. Even though they could easily just say "the building caught on fire", The Ones are bound by contract to write it in a story format, using literary methods to excercise their whims.

They could use their puppets, or they could use a character on its own, or anything else, provided they are not directly altering the universe. Think of it like a puppet show: the puppets can do anything they want, but the puppeteer's hand that moves them can't come on stage, but rather, they must use the puppets.

A particularly daring Holy One broke this contract by trying to directly erase his favorite character's involvement in the Philly Cheesesteak Test so that he could recieve more benefits in the universe. This breach of contract invoked the wrath of both the Bureau and the Board of Fiction, a normally docile and inactive arm of the company. The Board was allowed to excercise its emergency powers that were capable of rewriting fundamental basics of free will (like love and destiny) to avenge the punishment clause in their contract.


Haley, once a beautiful, attractive, powerful CNIC Officer, was cursed to become a frail, homely, awkward little nerdy penguin with quirks and habits that made her undesirable to the penguin who, in the original reality, was destined to be her mate. Not only was she to become a big geek, all of reality was to be conformed to this. To everyone else- except Dan, the Board, and certain immune creatures -Haley was always a dork, and the original beauty never happened. Dan was forced to bare the guilt of something that never actually involved him. He, and Haley too, were but pawns in a game of higher powers.


Who is Haley?

To finish the nerd curse, a mind wipe was to complete this change. Haley would also forget who she once was. She would know herself as a nerd, and nothing else. However, a minor slip of the shredder used to destroy Haley's old character profile allowed her to retain parts of her past self's memories, as well as her current, "real" memories. Carrying two sets of memories, poor Haley struggles to understand who she really is.

Haley's personality, tastes, and everything else, down to her voice and surname, were successfully changed, but those old memories present a disturbing (to nerdy Haley) alternate reality. A lot of things that this "mystery penguin" did sicken or disgust Haley, because of her altered physical and mental state, but she still has somewhat of a grotesque attachment to what that penguin experienced. She hates it, but... she doesn't, somehow.

Haley can recall "that other penguin's" memories as easy as her own. For example, Haley can look back to her seventh birthday (in human years), where she received her first graphing calculator. The other penguin, at that same party, received a cheerleader's uniform, and was told that she was going to make the advanced team by the next year. Haley always hated cheerleading and other such preppy/popular pastimes, but this other penguin adored them. Each penguin, in these memories, hugged their respective parents' necks and thanked them deeply.

Haley could never stop wondering:
  • How could this other penguin enjoy such things, and more importantly, why were these memories in her head?
  • Why, when recalling times involving looking at the mirror, did the penguin's reflection look similar to her own?
  • Why does this other penguin have an alternate version of most key moments in her life?
  • Who IS this other penguin?
  • Why are they both named Haley? Only the last names differ from each other.
  • Could this be Haley in another universe?


Haley was troubled by these thoughts and recollections for as long as she could waddle, and maybe before. She would have nightmares in the night about this other penguin, only to wake up screaming, put on her glasses, and look around to see nothing. She would experience dreams of this other penguin snuggling up next to Dan at a romantic movie, or the two spending time together as boyfriend and girlfriend. She would even dream of the two kissing.

As this other penguin manifested itself throughout her subconscious and in her memory, Haley found herself becoming immensely jealous of this other penguin. She was everything that Haley wanted to be: beautiful, with Dan, cool, popular, well-liked, athletic, and of excellent complexion. She couldn't decide whether this envy was loathing or longing, but she really hated that other being. To diffrientate the two, Haley called her second set of memories "Halley", and was saddened at just how superior Halley was to plain old Haley.


Haley was constantly burdened by Halley. The two couldn't be seperated, not even by advanced inventions from Antarctica's brightesst minds. 12Y, Metalmanager, Professor Flaggles, and even G himself failed at pulling the two apart. Haley found no rest as she sought psychiatrists to help her repress these old thoughts.

Haley and Halley seemed to be one, and being the smart penguin she was, the nerd began to piece together a startling theory. Halley IS Haley... -but somehow, Halley was erased from existance.

Appearence and personality

Haley is a homely penguin. She isn't beautiful in the slightest, but she's not ugly. She's just a nerd. If anything, folks would call her "cute", but never "pretty" or "beautiful". This is a side-effect of being so nerdy. (Halley is considered one bombshell of a penguin.)

Like Ronald Preventable or Aunt Arctic, her purple feathers have uneven coloring that generate "freckles" of sorts on her face. Like Rocket Slug, Haley is tormented by painful, pus-filled bumps that occur before molting. (Halley never had any of those problems.)

As is with many nerds, Haley has horrible vision, and requires the aid of thick spectacles to help her. Her vision (20/550) is to the point that no laser or contact could ever repair it. Glasses are the only option. (Halley has better than 20/20 vision, with a whopping 20/10.)

Haley is unimpressive in appearence (even by penguin standards), and she dresses conservatively and practically, and also very nerdy. (Halley wears beautiful, expensive clothes that only make her look even better.)

Haley possesses grey-blue eyes, which eminate with modesty and don't really stand out or do anything to improve her image. (Halley has stunning, crystal blue eyes that garner a lot of attention.) Her glasses magnify and distort her eyes so they resemble solid black than their real color, though this would be removed when she takes off her glasses (and thus going blind in the process, a problem Halley lacks).

Haley's voice is nasally and heavily accented, sounding like any nerd would, and she is unable to sing. (Halley has a soothing, gorgeous voice and can sing like an angel.)


However, Haley does have a special feature that she is very proud of. She has long, brown hair that goes past what would be considered her shoulders. Sadly, Haley can never make the hair shiny or voluminous, so her flowing auburn locks remain a limp, pale, washed-out sort of color that no products can seem to improve. This, again, is a side effect of being so nerdy, and possibly because her great-grandfather exhibted all of the signs of a bird that was later to become its own species: a Dorkugese penguin. (By modern genetic standings, Haley herself would be one-sixteenth ethnic Dorkugese.) Haley's hair is greasy and often bares split-ends, and it takes a lot of work to fix it up. Her fellow nerds and better-looking staff just tell her that she should cut it, but she will never do that. (Halley had hair of similar length, but it's superior to hers in every way; it is shiny, voluminous, silky, clean, and requires little maintenance to look its best.)

Haley also has asthma and low stamina, which is something Halley lacks entirely.



Personality-wise, Haley is humble, modest, shy, and very friendly. (Halley exhibits these virtues without the shyness, and is outgoing and adored by all her peers.) She is a warm and friendly penguin, and those who know her love her for this, but she has few friends and many hecklers because she is so nerdy.

Her interests are practically a textbook case of dork overload. Haley knows Steller Travel front and back, enjoys doing math for fun, and seems to play "Mazes and Mabels" in her spare time. She enjoys science fiction and computers. She spends much of her time indoors, toying away with things that most normal penguins don't care about.

Haley also has a particular fixation with playing cards. In the family igloo, most of her room is overrun by stacks of playing cards, all packaged and never removed from the box. She hopes to collect one of all known playing card decks one day, and is happy to take any cards offered to her. Ironically, though, she is horrible at cards. She loses most every card game she plays and never passed a white belt in Card-Jitsu. Even TurtleShroom can beat her, and that is a very sad thing indeed.


Relationships with Dan and Tammy

Haley pines over Dan, but Dan does not seem to return the favor. Dan was never that big a fan of nerds, and since he has another, more obbsessive penguin to deal with, Haley goes all too unnoticed.

She did bond with that stalker nerd, though. They were both in the esact same boat: two homely geeks with a crush, unnoticed by Dan and a million times out of his league. The stalker, a penguin called Tammy, taught her various methods to monitor Dan and to get his attention. Haley turned out to be far too gentle to employ any of Tammy's techniques, but the two spend time with each other anyway. Haley far out-nerds Tammy, but the two find a common bond in the ignorance of their object of affection.

Tammy and Haley share a friendly rivalry with each other for Dan. Haley feels that, because Tammy is more driven, she will win Dan. Haley is, interestingly, rather okay with that, although she pleas that Dan will at least notice her and like her for once.

The two friends meet each other when they can, and seem to have a good time together.


(Much to Haley's anger, Halley has Dan all to herself, and her beauty and demanor ward off Tammy, even though Tammy is relentless in seeking to make Dan love her.)


Trivia

  • She loves her job despite never getting noticed. She hopes that, one day, Dan will notice her.
  • Haley's last name means "Fortune [is] monstrous".
  • Sometimes, Dan sobs a bit when he looks at her. This is because Dan recalls what she once was ("Halley"), but Haley is unaware of it and can't seem to figure it out.
  • She currently owns six hundred decks of cards. It was the placement of all of these that got her the "Ninety Eight Igloo Items" stamp, imported from CP.
    • Her favorite is the 2 of Diamonds. (Halley seemed to be frightened or scared of this particular card.) She doesn't really know why.
      • In reality, the 2 of Diamonds was the deciding card that made the Board of Fiction rewrite her as a nerd. (The Board had laid out a deck of cards and selected a random one. Had they pulled out a club or spade, she would have been rewritten as a goth.)
  • Explorer seems to avoid Haley, even though she has little idea as to who Explorer is.
  • She is the CNIC's best and most productive secretary.
  • In case one can not understand, Halley IS Haley.
  • Haley originally recieved "I REIGN"- immense good luck -on the Rota Regna. When she was rewritten, the Wheel was spun again. Haley, this time around, recieved "I SHALL REIGN"- random instances of good and bad luck -instead.
    • Haley is so subject to good and bad luck on such extreme ends (either everything goes right or totally wrong), that she is used as the example of what the Rota Regna can do to a penguin on either end.
    • She also received a Neutral Stamp from the Stampers Five to cement her random luck.
  • She is the case-in-point of the rule of law. No one, not even The Ones, is above the law. She is also the case in point for how no creature is immune to change or falling out of favor, hence her theme and favorite song, O Fortuna.

See also








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