Great Darktonian Pie War
Read all the chapters!

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19

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Archived Inclusions
Story Structure
Spin-off Game

This is the Chapter 1 of the Great Darktonian Pie War.

Chapter One: Let's Get It On

It was a gray, overcast day. Darktan and his minions were marching from their realm, about to seize and expand their empire. Continental conquest was their goal. They knew the Antarctic citizens lacked any hope.

However, the creatures of Antarctica refused to quit, whether the High Penguins did or not.

Even the Dorkugese had left their homeland to stop the menace.

Everyone who was anyone came to see this done.

Darktan even agreed to start the "games" in ancient High Penguin custom. So it was done.

Professor Shroomsky, wearing the Silmaril Crown that he sued off Triskelle, and Darktan, the Ultimate Evil, faced each other at a stone cylinder.

Darktan Confronting Shroomsky

Shroomsky Confronting Darktan

Shroomsky, as we know, is a stickler for formality. He did the prescribed rituals to the letter.

They faced each other.

"See that crown, fungus? It's mine. ALL MINE."

Shroomsky glared at the fearsome menace, but refused to back down.

Meanwhile, in Ard Mhaca, the High Penguin officials were in the town centre, around The Two Trees. They had never really left. Freezeland's navy had fought in the war, but the High Penguins did not.

King Triskelle stood, watching the confused High Penguins. A high wind was picking up, and King Triskelle was eager to get more troops before the snowstorm struck.

He turned to Elessar, Will Whitefoot, Bodo Bunce, and other important military or parliament officials.

"Muster me every able-bodied male and strong lad. You have two days. On the third, we ride for the valley, and for battle."

They each bowed and slipped their armor on.

Triskelle watched them as they rushed, and strayed into deep thought.

He came to himself a few moments later and slipped his armor on, and sheathed his sword. Triskelle, before leaving after Shroomsky seized the jewels, had took all the amulets, except Light and Shadow. So, despite them being currently dormant, Triskelle took them.

A High Penguin ghost, dressed in vertical black-and-white stripes, floated down to where Shroomsky and Darktan stood.

The opposing armies stood on the banks of the Valley. They were both told not to attack until the ceremony was done.

"Penghis Khan is ready to kick tail feather. When can he unleash his Imperial PWNage?"

Luce glared.

"Hush, wee lad. This is tradition."

Luce held a Scroll reading "Rules and Regularities of a traditional duel".

"Oh. Penghis Khan scoffs at your formality."

Luce cleared her throat.

Down at the table, the two characters just stared.

The ghost came out with a solid gold coin that glimmered even at night, almost as if infused with the Amulet of Light itself. On one side, a big smiling picture of Professor Shroomsky. On the other side, Darktan.

"It will now begin. This is not to be a petty snowball fight. He whose face falls flat on the dubloon has the advantage in choosing their arsenal."

They commenced a coin toss right there. The currency landed on Shroomsky!

"Luck is with you today, Fungus. Your two weapons of choice?"

Shroomsky looked at the sapphire box the High Penguin provided him. There were maces of all shapes and sizes, a golf club, a frying pan, some pie, dirt, fax machines, and a piece of paper with an interrobang on it ().

"I'll take the pie."

The villains cheered.

"...and the interrobang."


Thus, the High Penguin ghost took out the pie and cloned it. Everyone received lots of pie. Several people had to tell others, "DON'T EAT THE AMMO!".

The ghost pulled up the Interrobang.

"No creature is to be killed. None at all."

Both teams cheered.

"The board is set. Now the pieces must move."

The ghost turned to Shroomsky. He eyed the Crown.

"What be ye, wearing an important artifact? Where is the Triskelle, Son of Arvedui?"

"I sued for the Crown... and Triskelle surrendered and ran to his homeland..."

"Grace and luck be on your side, Fungus."

He clapped his flippers together.

"May the leaders arise, and meet at the banks."

They did. The ghost started the countdown in Ancient Penguinian.

"Tre! To! En! Deilige søte bliss som gjør deg feit!!"

A buzzer sounded. The Battle of All Battles had started.

Penguins picked up their pies. Villains picked up their pies and ate Doom Weeds for extra strength (cheaters).

With a great, thundering roar, everyone picked up their pies and "natural talents"!

This way and that! Pies flew everywhere!

Shroomsky got smacked with boysenberry! Turtleheimer was spun around by apple!

Then, Darktan threw a pie at Penghis Khan.


It was key lime. Penghis Khan hated key lime. Darktan shouldn't have done it.

Khan yelled over the crowd, as pies flew everywhere. He took his Imperial Mullet and dragged it passed the front lines and deep into enemy territory. No one saw him. They were flinging magic, throwing pies, or (in the case of Explorer) flinging daggers. Khan took his Mullet. He walked straight to a big villain.

It was Herbert Horror. He was standing, firing scalding beams of fire at any poor person within yards. Penghis Khan took aim and swung his fish.


Herbert Horror fell like a snowman in a summer greenhouse. A ghost appeared in a white shirt, black suspenders and red bowtie. He started slapping the ground, screaming in Ancient Penguinian.

"Ti, ni, åtte, sju, seks, fem, fire, tre, to, en! Banke ut!"

A mighty cathedral bell sounded. Herbert Horror vanished in a cloud of smoke, reappearing in a stone masonry structure, with the words "Taperne" engraved upon it. He was then frozen solid in Ditto, so he wouldn't attack other losers in the seats.

Darktan raised a mighty flipper. He was just toying before. Since his right-hand-man just fell to Khan ("banke ut" is "knockout" in Penguinian), he immediately knew this fight was not going to be easy. He conjured up a massive pie and hurled it at Penghis Khan. It was bigger than five of him!

"Ti, ni, åtte, sju, seks, fem, fire, tre, to, en! Banke ut!"

The bell sounded again. Penghis Khan was squashed like a bug.

Luce turned to the audience.

"Wonderful, eh? Our most valliaiant cannon fodder warrior has fell."


Four Khanz Penguins, down, felled by one blast from WitchyPenguin! Four countdowns and four bells.

Luce picked up a pie and screamed some chant. She flung it and it hit a random minion, who subsequently hit seventeen others. Eighteen countdowns, Eighteen bells.

And then, another countdown and another bell.

So far, the Good Guys were winning.

That was going to change.

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