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The cover for the Quest For the Golden Waffle
Book I: Dorkugal[]
Explorer, Fred, and their buddies are on vacation at Dorkugal, and, quite by accident, discover a family secret that dates back years. But there is one unanswered question that remains: What do a bottomless smoothie cup, an ancient mainframe, an old hobo who is an ex-archeaologist, a series of formatting errors, a bunch of flying, disfigured ellipses, and a shrine full of waffles have to do with The Golden Waffle?
Chapter 1: A Vacation On The Occasion[]
Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Southern Pi Island, Dorkugal
12:30 PM, Novemeber 28
The sun smiled cheerfully through as the ebbing tide slowly but surely drew back from the Dorkugese coast. Silver sand sparkled resplendently, beautifully contrasting with the deep blue, filtered waters of Pi Bay. It was the perfect time of year to go to the (artificial) beach, so it wasn't much of a suprise when The Antics Brothers turned up at the site first thing on their vacation to Dorkugal. The brothers were pretty popular throughout the USA, especially in Dorkugese culture. Most said it was because Fred, the older and geekier one, was Dorkugal’s beloved delegate on the South Pole Council. Whatever it was, the two brothers were just famous, and they didn’t care. They didn’t live in a huge mansion, castle, or palace. The brothers lived in separate igloos (the normal kind of igloo, mind you) across the street. And they didn’t walk around in rich clothes or anything like that. Most of the time, the brothers wore casual, everyday clothing, along with their trademark hats: Explorer wore a red propeller hat and Fred wore a purple graduation cap. On that particular morning, the two brothers were lying back in deck chairs, patiently awaiting the arrival of the smoothie-mobile.
“Ahhh,” sighed Fred as he gazed around the perfectly simulated artificial beach. “It’s amazing what you can do with computer technology and holograms.”
“Huh,” muttered Explorer, who wasn’t a big fan of artificial simulations. “It would be better if they actually let us go outside.”
“Well,” insisted Fred, “at least it’s safe in here. This is Floor Twenty Four. What if there was a tsunami outside, huh? ”
“But it’s not natural!” cried Explorer. “It doesn’t come anywhere near close to the real beaches I’ve seen. Tell me, where are all the seashells? Or how about the starfishes? Huh?”
“There are seashells here, Explorer!” Fred said in exasperation as he bent down and picked up an artificial conch. It had a little blinking LED light on the tip. “And here’s a starfish. See?” The starfish made a beeping sound when shaken.
“Bah!” screamed Explorer, tossing away the fake starfish that Fred had given him. “It's made of silicon! The water is filtered, and don't even get me started about the silver sand! What's it made of anyway?!"
Fred smiled. "It's made of recycled, ground up aluminum. It's as soft to the touch as sugar or flour... not at all like the rough textured feel of real sand."
Explorer was fed up with it. "AAAAAHHH!! I just want natural stuff here, not some recycled powder for sand, or stupid simulated sunshine or something like that!”
“Did you just call that brilliant artificial sunshine ‘stupid’?!” shouted Fred as he jumped up to confront Explorer. “It’s fluorescent AND energy saving!”
“Oh, yeah?” Explorer retorted. “The sun doesn’t have to be plugged into some silly socket or anything. And it doesn’t burn out either!”
"It will burn out in five billion years' time!" Fred responded.
"That's Darwinism!" Explorer yelled back. "You know I don't believe in that!"
"While I'm on that subject, why do the Dorkugese even dress like they do?! It looks medieval!" Explorer, now in blind rage, screamed at the air. "This isn't the 1500s!!"
Gasps were heard.
"Oh, no he did not!", a Dorkugese penguin replied.
Explorer and Fred were now standing up in fighting position, flippers raised in the air. Everyone inside the indoor beach was staring at the two arguers, wondering what would happen next.
Without warning, the fight was abruptly interrupted by a loud screech coming from the back of the room. As a blinding cloud of powdered aluminum swept across the artificial beach, a loud cheer went up from the crowd of vacationers as they rushed towards the source of the noise.
“Look, it’s the smoothie-mobile!” Explorer shouted excitedly over the commotion. “Come on, let’s go!”
The two brothers eagerly sprinted over the artificial beach, treading over silicon starfishes, copper clams, and steel conch shells. They got into line 3rd place, and not a moment too soon! A large cue of impatient Dorkugese had already formed behind Explorer and Fred.
“Phew!” Explorer sighed in relief. “We finally made it without getting run over by the mob!”
“A definite first, I’m sure,” Fred panted. “But don’t mention ordinals now. It’s our turn!”
As the brothers stepped up to the side of the mobile, the line behind them began to chant.
“AN-TICS! AN-TICS! AN-TICS! WHAT A SPECTACULAR PHENOMENON TO BE IN THE PRESENCE OF THEIR BEING!!” Ironically, they all screamed the same sentence at the same time.
Thankfully, the vendor in the mobile was kind enough to alleviate the two brothers of their embarrassment.
“Now, calm down, people,” the vendor called out to the cue. “I know you want their bitmaps and such, but these two fine gentlemen have to get their smoothies!” Turning to Explorer, she said, “So, what would you like, Mr. Antics?”
“Well,” Explorer said thoughtfully, “I think I’ll do with a Wi-Fi Whirl, Aleph-Sized.” As the vendor scribbled Explorer’s order onto a PDA, Fred stepped up to the mobile and said, “I’ll have a congruent sample, please, but can you square the size? I’m quite hungry today.”
“Of course, Mr. Antics,” replied the kind vendor, “I never knew a geek who wasn’t hungry. Here you are!”
“Thank you, ma’am,” Explorer called over his shoulder as he and Fred walked away.
As the two brothers sank back down in their deck chairs with the smoothies, a loud beeping sound rang out from Explorer’s Bluebeak headset. “Hello?” Explorer asked as he sat back in his chair.
“Hey, Explorer!” a familiar voice replied. “You didn’t think you were gonna leave us behind on your nice vacation, did you?”
“Happyface!” Explorer grinned. “So, you did board the plane after all.”
“Yup, me and Barkjon boarded at the very last minute. You guys were asleep in first-class, so we snuck right past you and got a seat at the back just as the plane was about to take off. Talk about the nick of time!”
“So,” Explorer asked, “where are you guys?”
"We're driving on Highway... 12, yes, Exit 13A," Happyface replied. "What hotel are you guys at again?"
"It's the Snitz-Farlton," Fred replied through a beakful of smoothie. "On the corner of Transcendental and 3.14th, Floor 24."
"Ok, guys!" Happyface finshed. "We'll be right there!"
As Explorer turned off his Bluebeak, Fred laid back and sighed, "What are friends for?"
Chapter 2: Broken Redirects, <nowiki> Tags, And Out Of Wack Formatting[]
#REDIRECT[[Quest_For_The_Golden_Waffle#Chapter_3:_I've_Been_Delayed]]
Irrational St, Exit 13A, Highway 12, Southern Pi Island, Dorkugal
12:40 PM, November 28
At the intersection of Irrational St and 2.72nd St, Happyface and Barkjon impatiently sat in a red minivan, waiting for the LED traffic light to turn green.
“Come on!” Happyface shouted at the traffic light as he honked the horn. “Go already!”
The traffic light seemed to hesitate for a moment, then hastily switched to green.
"Slowpoke computers," Happyface muttered as he signaled left and turned.
As a mass of cars poured out of the intersection, Barkjon suddenly noticed something that was quite wrong.
“Er, Happyface?” Barkjon asked. “Haven’t you noticed that the book just cut from Explorer and Fred to us? It’s not supposed to do that.”
“What do you mean?” Happyface replied as he turned a corner.
“I mean that the book’s plot is focusing on us,” Barkjon explained. “It’s supposed to skip this part and cut straight to the scene where we arrive at the Snitz-Farlton.”
“Maybe it’s a programming error in the script,” Happyface suggested. “Why don’t you see if you can fix it?”
Barkjon pulled out the script from his pocket and scrutinized it.
“There’s a broken redirect on Line 2,” he called out to Happyface. “Here, look at it for yourself.”
“Oh, that?” Happyface said lightly as he pulled onto 3.14th St. “That’s just an accidental misuse of the <nowiki> tag. You should be able to fix it.”
“Alrighty, you little stubborn piece of HTML,” Barkjon muttered as he tugged on the <nowiki> tag, which refused to move. “You’ll learn not to break perfectly good redirects when I’m finished with ya!”
All of a sudden, the <nowiki> tag flew off the script and out of the open window. For some weird reason, the script began flashing blue, much to the annoyance of Happyface and Barkjon.
“The redirect should be loading any second now,” Barkjon told Happyface as he tried to undo the out-of-wack formatting. “Otherwise we’ll be stuck here with our quotes flashing cyan for another 20 minutes.”
"Well," replied Happyface, "it might be a side effect. I've heard of redirects being loaded and penguins' quotes going superscript. Hey, look, our quotes stopped flashi--"
Redirect loading, please wait.
REDIRECT: Quest For The Golden Waffle#Chapter 3: I've Been Delayed
Chapter 3: I've Been Delayed[]
Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Dorkugal
1:13 PM, November 28
Due to the crazy formatting errors, Happyface and Barkjon would be a long ways off. After hearing the bad news via Explorer's Bluebeak, the Antics Brothers decided to patiently wait. Fred decided to go pick up a good book, and bidding Explorer goodbye, he snagged a copy of the holiday classic A Thanksgiving Carol. Explorer, however, wasn't interested in books. He would rather go sightseeing. Exiting the artificial beach and still chugging his smoothie, he looked around Floor Twenty Four. It looked like any mall, with simple tiles, rooms, and a few "houses", which were more like massive dormitories than actual residences. Walking around and taking all of the areas end, he bumped into a little fellow passing by.
"HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING! PENGHIS KHAN WAS WALKING!"
Explorer looked up. What was Penghis Khan doing at Dorkugal?! Penghis Khan looked at Explorer.
"Penghis Khan remembers you. You locked Penghis Khan in a movie theater with WHAT?!? playing on the screen. He had to sit through a long and boring movie. THREE TIMES!!!"
Explorer gulped. He remembered that... and the fish that followed. In want of a change of subject, Explorer immediately swapped topic.
"How in the name of waffles did you get into the final draft of this book? I should know you're not supposed to be here; I'm the main writer of this thing."
Penghis Khan stared. "This is a book? Is this not real? Penghis Khan doubts your sanity."
Explorer rolled his eyes and frowned. He and his twin brother Fred were one of the few birds who knew of the Fourth Wall. To everyone else, the experience was real.
"Let me guess," Explorer mumbled to the readers. "Writer's block?"
"Penghis Khan wants to know what a writer block is," Penghis Khan interrupted. "Tell him. NOW."
Explorer, instead of obliging to tell Khan that "writer's block" was a severe writing disorder where the said writer got a "block of ideas", took out the recent changes page and began thumbing through the log to confirm Khan's claim. Of course, this made Penghis Khan even madder.
"YOU SHALL TELL PENGHIS KHAN WHAT 'WRITER'S BLOCK IS, OR YOU SHALL RECEIVE HIS IMPERIAL PWNAGE!!!"
Explorer rolled his eyes again. Penghis Khan thinks he rules a great nation. He decided to play along, and agreed. After all, Penghis Khan speaks loudly and carries a big fish.
"Look, I put the definition ten lines above! You can just pull out the page and see for yourself! Now, what do you want with me, you little fish-slapping phreak?!"
Explorer thought the last part of the sentence, in lieu of being whacked with a Mullet twice the size of himself.
"Penghis Khan thinks you are weird, with your theories of us being controlled by someone that is not us. Penghis Khan laughs at your thoughts. Very greatly." Penghis Khan laughed. Very greatly.
Explorer ignored him. "What do you want anyway?"
"Penghis Khan wants to follow you."
"What?!"
"You heard Penghis Khan. He wants to follow you. Penghis Khan enjoys your company."
Explorer really didn't want the Emperor of Pengolia following him. Though, it wasn't as if he had a choice. Recalling Fred's advice, "Penghis Khan's Demand Your Rejection Pain 1013", he had to say yes. Penghis Khan clapped with joy. Thankfully, the Dorkugese never actually met Khan before. They perceived him as a little chick with a bratty attitude.
With a sigh, Explorer waddled through the halls of Floor Twenty Four, Khan in tow. Penghis Khan also marveled at the buildings, until he stopped. Explorer, noticing the monarch's stopping, rushed over before his servants could slap him. Penghis Khan was seething at the stall in front of him. It was another Burger Khan restaurant. Everyone knew how he felt about those places. He took out his fish.
"FOUL INDIGNIFYING RESTAURANT, FACE PENGHIS KHAN'S IMPERIAL PWNAGE!"
Penghis Khan ran over to the logo, dragging his Mullet.
"WHY DO YOU MOCK PENGHIS KAHN WITH YOUR SMILING?!" he screamed at the logo.
Penghis Khan tried to whack the building, but he was too short.
"PROPELLOR BIRD!" Penghis Khan screamed at Explorer. "HELP PENGHIS KHAN DESTROY THIS EDIBLE CRETIN!"
Explorer rejected. His servants took out a vial of Ditto A, and showed it to him. He quickly waddled toward Penghis Khan. Alas, Explorer was too short to knock over the logo either (though he could have blown it up with spare dynamite). Penghis Khan summoned his servants. Holding out a roll of what looked like condemnation tape, he ordered his servants to evacuate the restaurant and put the tape all over the door. They obeyed, and while Penghis Khan was yelling at the logo, Explorer slipped away, still drinking that smoothie. It was great to get away from the "emperor". Explorer hoped not to run across anyone else, except for Happyface and Barkjon.
He was wrong.
Turning a corner, Explorer ran into a Dorkugese penguin, one dressed in a rather shabby business suit and fancy tie. Explorer suddenly remembered who the penguin was. It was Edwin Freezer Luge, the bitter old miser who ran the Quantum Computing company on Floor 66. He was so rude and greedy, even the big conglomerates refused to buy his business! Explorer also remembered that two years ago, Edwin had "accidentally" run him over with one of his snowmobiles on this very floor. Explorer had always despised him after that incident.
"Get back, miser," Explorer threatened, pulling out his shovel. "I've got a spade!" The finely carved shovel gleamed in the fluorescent light.
What happened next was rather unexpected.
"HAPPY THANKSGIVING EXPLORER!", Edwin shouted gleefully. "Here, have some radians!" Edwin promptly tossed 42,705 worth in radians into Explorer's player card.
42,705 radia?! That was unheard of in Dorkugal! The only penguins there with that amount of money were Mr. Luge, Billy Fence I, and, of course the Antics Brothers themselves.
Explorer also remembered something else: Wasn't Edwin Freezer Luge the rich miser starring in the holiday classic A Thanksgiving Carol? And why was this story crossing paths with that story? Wouldn't the epilogue of that story, combined with Chapter Three of this story, create a paradox involving poor Fred reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself....
"OKAY, OKAY, WE GET THE POINT, MAYOR MCFLAPP!" hollered Explorer to Edwin's surprise. "Just get on with the story, the audience is getting bored!"
With that, he turned to Edwin and said, "Paranormal experience, Mister Luge?"
"Affirmative, my boy, affirmative!" Edwin laughed, ignoring Explorer's weird outburst. "Oh, and what it taught me! Happy Thanksgiving!"
Explorer found the entire thing very phreaky and weird.
"Oh, and about that whole... snowmobile... incident... I'm sorry. I have a gift in return."
Edwin tossed over the keys to his snowmobile, and his backup snowmobile, and the backup of his backup snowmobile.
"You're giving me three snowmobiles?" Explorer asked in shock.
"Yes sir! It's the least I could do," Edwin replied.
Explorer realized just how much he could buy with all that radia. 42,705 radians plus three snowmobiles! What gift could be better than that?
Forgetting all else, including the fact that Happyface and Barkjon were still late, and that Mr. Luge was acting very weird, Explorer hastily thanked Edwin, hopped into the snowmobile that Edwin had left beside him, and drove off to the garage on Floor 25, yelling "WOOT! SHOPPING SPREE!!!" as he went.
Explorer planned to spend most of his money at the Giga-Market on Floor 66. He would park the snowmobile at the garage, then take an elevator up to the mall.
After parking the snowmobile at the garage, Explorer waddled off to Dorkugal's high-tech set of elevators.
Continuing his adventures through the building, he ran into a huge black penguin. It was rather frightening for tiny Explorer to see a penguin three times his height. The penguin wore a red sweater... and a green belt. Explorer gulped.
"Just back away." Explorer thought, "Maybe he won't see you."
Explorer tried to slip away quietly, but he stepped on a pair of glasses that broke. The other penguin turned around. It was Winston, the infamous ninja that could hug the breath out of any penguin, and probably break Mabel's glasses.
"Hello friend! How's my favorite shovel wielding penguin?"
The disgrace to ninjas immediantly grabbed Explorer before he could run. He was --
"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!" Explorer yelled to the Narrator*. "HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE IN THIS BOOK?! AND WHY IS WINSTON ONE OF THEM?!!! DO I HAVE TO BE TORTURED THIS MUCH?! MUST I ENDURE THIS VICE GRIP OF PAIN AND SUFFERING?!! WHAT KIND OF A WEIRD, PHREAKY NOVEL AM I IN, ANYWAY?!!"
Nothing happened, except for Winston hugging Explorer even tighter.
"Okay," Explorer shrugged to the narrator. "I'll take my contract to another publisher, and sue the shirt off-"
Suddenly, Explorer forgot what he was saying. Winston hugged some more.
Struggling for breath, Explorer managed to scream the following sentence:
"Was *ack* I about *ack* to sue the worthless *ack* narrator who loves to *ack* abuse *ack* the protag- *ack* -anist?"
"Don't worry about lawsuits!" Winston stated. "Lawyers are not really scum-bags. They just need a good hug!"
Explorer couldn't escape Winston's grasp. He decided to use trickery.
"Win *ack* ston! Look! There's a lonely penguin *ack* who *ack* needs a *ack* hug!"
Explorer lifted a flipper toward Penghis Khan, who had successfully converted the Burger Khan to a souvenir shop that sold stuffed Penghis Khans (4 rad each).
Looking at the Emperor, Winston let go of Explorer, who then fell to the ground, consequently knocking his little propeller hat off. With ninja-like speed, Winston was then swiftly and silently, like a thief in the night, running toward Penghis Khan.
"Hello friend! How's my favorite little chick? Still grumpy? You need a hhhuuuuggggg!!!!" Winston quickly approached Penghis Khan. He took off running.
Explorer felt better. He presumed the narrator had listened to his plea.
"Now that my horrific incident of literary terror is over, I think I'll do some sight seeing... and maybe get a chiropractor," Explorer thoughtfully added. He waddled off, hoping to reach the elevators without running into anyone else.
For my health, will someone write the next chapter?! he thought.
Explorer must have met over a million Dorkugese that afternoon. He had wandered through Pi Island's East Wing for about four hours straight, and had seen and done a lot. Explorer had rode 20 times in the high-tech elevators, washed his propeller hat three times in the laundromatic (4 rad per laser-clean), bought 136 radians worth of souvenirs, watched two documentaries for 40 rad each, and stopped seven times at a small shop to refill his smoothie cup (1 rad per refill) ; added to this he had passed 14 Coins for Change donation kiosks, and emptied an equal amount of money into each one. Now ⅓ of his original 42,705 radia were gone from his player card, and there was still no sign of Happyface and Barkjon. Explorer wearily waddled up the corridors of Floor 24 until he reached Dormitory 13, his personal quarters (Fred was staying in the room opposite the hallway). But before Explorer could allow the retinal scanner to identify himself, a loud BOOM! echoed through the aisle, and Explorer was knocked off his webbed feet.
*The Narrator stated was not Mayor McFlapp, as he sent an e-mail to the Antics Brothers notifying them that he was vacation.
Chapter 4: Flashbacks Can Be A Pain In The Tail Feathers[]
Floor 24, Snitz-Farlton Hotel, Dorkugal
5:05 PM, November 28
Explorer was face down on the floor. All he could hear was muffled thumping coming from behind him.
This better be good, he thought as he rose.
Suddenly, a loud TSEEEEEW!!! rippled through the room, and the air began flashing blue. Clouds of purple smoke filled the room.
"*cough* Oh, *cough* yeah, the *cough* worth-*cough*-less *cough* narrator's *cough* at it *cough* again *cough*," Explorer mumbled aggravatingly. "What *cough* now?"
All of a sudden, two dark figures fell out of nowhere and sent the purple smoke flying everywhere. Explorer coughed vigorously again. What he saw when the smoke cleared surprised him.
It was Happyface and Barkjon!
“Ooh…” Barkjon moaned, “teleporting makes me sick…”
“WHERE IN THE NAME OF PSYCHOS HAVE YOU GUYS BEEN?!” Explorer yelled all of a sudden at the duo. Barkjon, who was unaccustomed to being shouted at while nauseous, immediately fainted. Happyface quickly pulled out his icePod while explaining to Explorer.
"Well, you see, Explorer," Happyface said as he attempted CPR on Barkjon, "we encountered a bit of formatting errors, a guy who smelled like rotten cheese, a broken redirect, a time warp, and... oh, there's so much to explain. Can I lay out a sub-chapter for your convenience?"
"Sure," Explorer shrugged. "Whatever you like. As long as you don't bore the readers."
"Okay," replied Happyface as he stepped away from Barkjon and slouched back against the wall. "It all started here... CUE FLASHBACK!!!"
<!-- Flashback cue. Order input ZXC05, begin flashback at asterisk series = 3. Input registry: Happyface414. [status: rollback=yes; sysop=yes; bureaucrat=yes; co-webmaster=yes; awesome=yes; cool/hip/groovy=yes; status query getting annoying=yes;] Sensing 76.42% chance of audience getting bored; 23.58% chance getting amused, proceed NOW. ***FLASHBACK TIME WARP BEGIN*** -->
Chapter 4 and a ½: The Adventures of Happyface and Barkjon[]
Happyface sat down against the wall and cleared his throat.
"Ahem, ahem," he coughed. "Okay, here we go! It was, like, the middle of the day, and me and Barkjon were, like, driving in his dad's old pickup truck, and so we came across this huge pile-up in the middle of the highway..."
3.14th Street, Pi Island, Dorkugal
12:40 PM, November 28
Happyface and Barkjon had come across a large traffic jam in the middle of 3.14th Street. Apparently a wire in one of the Dorkugese traffic supercomputers had fried, causing a major roadblock at the intersection of Capacitor Avenue and 3.14th.
"Oh, just what we need," Happyface groaned. "First some annoying format errors and now this! What's wrong with the traffic light up there?"
Just then, the power line holding up the traffic light crackled once, flashed, then collapsed, sending the traffic light plunging down onto one of the cars. An alarm sounded, and some sprinklers on the covered roof above the road turned on.
"Great," Happyface muttered, "now we'll be stuck here 'till the end of the book."
Crash!
Another traffic light fell down, which brought another down, and another, and another, like dominoes. The last traffic light fell on Barkjon's dad's pickup truck. The red lights on every traffic light started flashing.
"What's happening?" cried Barkjon.
The lights flashed yellow.
"Something very, very weird," answered Happyface.
The lights lit up green and the truck disappeared in blue smoke.
Grassy Meadow, Pi Island, Dorkugal, Colonial Antarctica
10:24 AM, September 21, 1990
On a grassy meadow which was to become 3.14th Street about a decade in the future, on Pi Island, Dorkugal, a bearded penguin stood doing a painting of another female penguin. It was almost complete, except for the mouth.
"Mama Mia!" cried the painter, "I wish-a you'd keep still!"
"It's not my fault, Leo," said the penguin that was being painted, frowning, "There's this itch I have to scratch."
"How am I suppose-a to paint your mouth when you keep moving it?"
"Just put a smile, Leo. It doesn't really matter."
"Yes, it does! You need-a to capture the feeling, the ambiance, you know-a?"
"It really doesn't--"
TSEEEEWWWW!
She could not continue at that moment as a pickup truck suddenly materialized in front of her in a puff of blue smoke. She screamed and ran off.
"Mama Mia!" cried the painter, pulling tufts of hair out of his beard, "That painting must-a be finished for the fair tomorrow! I'm-a ruined!"
Barkjon and Happyface coughed as the blue smoke cleared.
"Hey Mr. Painter guy!" said Happyface cheerfully, "What's with the Italian accent?"
"Italian?" pondered Leo, "Is-a that a type of fruit?"
"You smell like cheese," said Barkjon, "What's your name?"
"Leonardo da Waffli. I'm-a failed inventor, but I do enjoy art."
Happyface and Barkjon gaped like a couple of Mullets.
"Leonardo da Waffli? THE Leonardo da Waffli?" asked Barkjon in awe.
"Yes. Is that-a a problem?" answered Leo.
Before Barkjon could answer, there was a large noise and a cloud of blue smoke.
TSEEEEWWWW!
"The-cough-time-stream's very busy today, isn't it?" coughed Happyface.
A floating figure draped in a cloak, carrying a fork, floated out of the cloud.
91v3 m3 7h3 90£Ð3n W4ƒƒ£3, £30n4rÐ0! 1 w1££ hµn7 ¥0µ 7hr0µ9h 71m3 µn71£ ¥0µ Ð0!
"Run Leo! It's Sergeant Str00del" screamed Happyface, "Me and Barkjon will hold him off!"
Leonardo waddled as fast as he could towards an old cottage, carrying his unfinished painting.
"What's he saying?" asked Barkjon, grabbing a snowball gun from the back of the pickup truck.
"He's speaking l33t," replied Happyface, "[1] That's a translator, Barkjon. Now let's fight!"
Barkjon and Happyface opened fire on the sergeant.
Barkjon turned to HF mid-fire.
"Wait, you mean this isn't the Captain?"
"No!" Happyface responded, dodging a fork. "The Captain is good now, remember?"
RATATATATATAT!!
Snowballs flew out of the guns and hit the sergeant in the face.
Click!
"We're out of ammo!" cried Happyface. "Switch to a Banana Blaster and fire templates at him!"
{{stub}} {{stub}} {{stub}} {{stub}} {{stub}}!!!!
"Barkjon!" yelled Happyface, "You forgot to use the no-wiki tag!"
The Stub template hit Sergeant Str00del on the head and he vanished in blue smoke.
Barkjon and Happyface deleted the Stub template, then walked off, across the meadow and towards Leonardo da Waffli's house.
Chapter 4 and a ⅔: Story of the Golden Waffle[]
"So what exactly did Sergeant Str00del want from you?" asked Happyface to Leo over a cup of hot chocolate. Barkjon was behind them at the small cottage's kitchen bench, tinkering with what looked suspiciously like an IcePod.
Leonardo dropped his voice very low.
"I suspect-a he want my greatest creation. The Golden Waffle!" he whispered.
Leonardo da Waffli bent over and pulled a projector out from under the table (it's 1990, those existed).
He plugged the projector into a wall socket. Barkjon could be heard behind them plunging a screwdriver into the back of the IcePod. Pictures lit up on the wall of the cottage.
"Three years ago," began Leo, "My greatest success happened-a. I created The Golden Waffle in the deepest places of Diamond Falls."
Leonardo creating the Golden Waffle.
A picture lit up of Leonardo exclaiming, looking at a shining waffle.
"The Waffle was given its powers over-a all things weird by Sensei, and was widely coveted around the continent."
A picture was shown with Sensei shooting a beam of light into the waffle.
"However, everyone wanted-a the waffle. The king wanted it, the people wanted it, my mother wanted it. The nation as we know it could collapse because of their greed, and I, Leonardo, seeing what misery the artifact had wreaked-a, separated it into its key ingredients: a box of Golden Waffle Mix, 2 Golden Eggs, and a three cups of Liquid Gold. From there, I fled to this island, rich in various metals, because I know it'll never-a be developed."
The Waffle's ingredients.
"Uh, heh heh... yeah, it'll NEVER be developed." Happyface responded nervously as Leonardo displayed a picture of the three ingredients.
"To make it even harder to recombine the ingredients, I hid each one in a secret place across the continent. I also built a booby-trapped underground temple in an undisclosed land to hold the waffle-maker that would recreate the Waffle from its batter, so nobody could touch it again."
Happyface looked into the old eyes of the inventor, glistening with tears at the thought of destroying his only successful creation. There were sparks flying where Barkjon was now using a chainsaw on the IcePod.
"So," yelled Happyface over the chainsaw noise, "Sergeant Str00del must want it to gain power over all things weird.!"
"Yes," answered Leo loudly, "I suppose he time traveled from your time-a back to here. He must be stopped."
"You understand time travel?"
"Duh-a! What part of-a genius don't you get-a?"
"It's no use," muttered Happyface. Barkjon was now using a blowtorch on the Icepod. "We don't even know how we got here, let alone get out of here. We've got no time machine."
Barkjon lifted up his welding mask and exclaimed, "Finished!"
Leo and Happyface looked round.
"Well, you know how we're stuck here? Well, I've just created a device out of this IcePod that tells us if a time travellers are here, then it sticks out it's Electronic Thumb at their time machine."
"We're going to hitchhike out of here?" said Happyface in disbelief.
"Exactly. I'm getting a signal right now, so somebody must be--"
Knock Knock!
Leo opened the door and Speeddasher and Tails6000 walked in.
"Tails, Speed!" Said Happyface excitedly.
"Hey Happyface, Barkjon, and mouldy cheese man," said Tails, "We were time traveling back to see Olde Antarctica when we picked up your Electronic Thumb signal."
Happyface, Barkjon, and Tails high-fived each other, but Speed simply remained silent. Barkjon went up to high-five Speed but the penguin simply huffed.
"Just so you both know I didn't come for you. I came for the Destruction Gems."
"Mama Mia, I-a say. What are these-a Destruction Gems?"
Speed approached the penguin and huffed.
"Nothing you need to get your moldy, cheese-stained flippers on."
"Speed, try and be more polite atleast," said Tails. "He's just asking a question."
Speeddasher rolled his eyes, and pulled out a shiny object from Tail's pocket. Leonardo's eyes were fixed on the object and he almost tried to reach out and grab it.
"Ya that's right old man. Take a good long look at it because this is probably the last time you'll ever see it."
Speed then gave the Gem back to Tails, and Leonardo turned back to normal.
"So what exactly are you doin here Speed and Tails?" Asked Barkjon.
"Doctor Aye-Que was able to collect all the Destruction Gems, but I was able to use Destruction Control to teleport them throughout time. We've set out to find them now, but so far we've only found this one. Now if you two don't mind, we'll just drop you back off at 2009 and be on our.....
"Wait, where's the king and the and revolution and the 'We're Not Gonna Take It'?" Tails interjected.
Leonardo stared at Tails as if he said a bad word.
"Do you ACTUALLY think-a the king is tyrannical? Mama Mia, that's-a a first! Next you're going to say that judges will rise up and form a new nation!"
Tails6000 laughed a nervous chuckle.
"Quiet Tails, don't break the time-stream! These fools don't know about that yet. Infact I'm not even supposed to be out of suspended animation yet."
All the while, Happyface continued to stare in silence. Eventually, he was able to say something.
"Wha-wha-wai-who-how did you guys even get here in the first place? And how did you get a time machine?" stammered Happyface.
"It doesn't matter, Happyface," said Barkjon, "The important thing is, where's your time machine?"
Tails and Speed pointed out the window. A red, plush sofa sat on the far end of the meadow. It started to sort of roll away.
"What in the name of the Destruction Gems!" Yelled Speed. "We forgot to put the breaks on, and we left the timer running. We gotta get on that sofa now!"
Speed dashed out the door, followed by Tails, Happyface and Barkjon.
"Goodbye my friends!" cried Leo from the doorway, "Oh, I almost forgot!"
He threw a box of waffle batter at Happyface. He caught it and kept running.
Now, if you had been watching the scene that unfolded before you (like poor Leo), you would feel strangely out of place.
Four penguins, whooping with joy and running across a grassy meadow towards a red sofa isn't something you see everyday.
Speeddasher, Tails6000, Barkjon and Happyface running after the sofa.
To Happyface and Barkjon, it was their ticket out of here. The sofa blew further away.
"That sofa is gonna disappear in ten seconds!" Yelled Tails. "We'll never make it."
Just then Speed grabbed the Gem from Tails and held it up high while still running.
"Destruction Control!"
Everything then started moving slowly, except for Speeddasher, and time seemed to have almost stopped. Speed then grabbed the three other penguins by the flippers and ran towards the sofa. Then time started again andnow they were nearly at the sofa.
"Get ready to jump guys!" Yelled Barkjon.
The quartet jumped and landed on the sofa, and Tails pressed the go button.
TSSSEEEWWWW!!!
The sofa and it's four riders then disappeared in a puff of blue smoke.
They tumbled through the time vortex, its colours flashing.
"I suggest you two get off now!" Yelled Speeddasher.
He pointed to a hole in the Time Vortex with a sign saying, "Dorkugal, 2009."
"Thanks guys!" yelled Happyface and he and Barkjon jumped off the sofa and into the time warp.
Chapter 5: There Always Has to be a Chase Scene.[]
"And so, that's it," said Happyface.
"So basically, this sergeant person-" began Explorer.
"Sergeant Str00del" interrupted Happyface.
"Sergeant whatever!" continued Explorer, "Wants to steal the Golden Waffle and gain control over all things weird. Is that correct?"
"Yes," answered Happyface.
"Can I see that waffle batter?"
Happyface pulled the box out of his inventory and handed it to Explorer.
- LIMITED EDITION GOLDEN WAFFLE BATTER
- BROUGHT TO YOU BY DA WAFFLI FOODS ©.
Explorer sighed.
"So, we have to beat Sergeant Str00del at finding the ingredients? That sounds like a really cheesy plot."
Explorer slurped his smoothie to find it was empty. He threw the smoothie cup in a nearby trash can.
The cup shot through the garbage chutes of the Googolplex until it suddenly burst through the chute wall. The cup flew through the air of Floor Fourteen, catching a small plastic knife on it. The cup soared through the air and the knife cut a rope that suspended a giant calculator on the roof. The giant calculator fell down, down, down and crushed Icmer In Nyc's portable fax machine, which was sitting on the floor near a computer cubicle. Inside the cubicle, Icmer was laughing at some of the LOL-Puffles pictures he had found. He heard the destroying of the fax machine, and walked outside to check it out.
"Ah Ha!" said Icmer to himself, "They think they can get away with destroying my fax machine, do they? Well, I always carry a spare!"
He pulled another portable fax machine out of his inventory and placed it on the ground. Meanwhile, the cup rebounded off the window of Floor Fourteen, and hit a Banana Blaster, which fired. The Banana goop hit the fax machine, destroying it again.
"WHYYYYY MEEEEE?!?!" screamed Icmer.
None of this fazed Explorer, Happyface and Barkjon as they sat on the artificial beach drinking smoothies. LED lights winked at them.
"Aren't we gonna get started finding the ingredients?" asked Barkjon, pausing mid-slurp.
"Nah," answered Happyface, "Drinking smoothies is much better. Explorer, we've been drinking smoothies for thirty minutes now, and we haven't had a refill. What's up with that?"
Explorer lifted up his sunglasses and looked into his smoothie cup.
"You're right," he said, "It looks like they haven't been drunk at all!"
"Barkjon, hand me a pebble," muttered Happyface. Barkjon did so and Happyface dropped it into his smoothie cup. They waited fifteen seconds for the plunk of the pebble. Nothing came. They waited thirty seconds. Forty-five. One minute. Still no plunk.
"I conclude from this experiment," announced Happyface, "That our cups are bottomless. Pretty neat, hey?"
"Wait!" exclaimed Explorer, "Where's the waffle batter?"
"The smoothie dude must have took it!" cried Barkjon.
The Trio turned around and saw the Smoothie Van speeding away.
"Taxi!" cried Barkjon. A golf cart pulled up instantly. You see, golf carts are especially useful as transporation in the corridors of Dorkugal, particularly because they burn propane and can go very fast. It all started in 2004 when-
"HEY! WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS?! SKIP TO THE ACTION!" Explorer screamed to the narrator.
Well, I'd never... anyway...
"Follow that car!"
The golf cart sped off, showering Explorer and Happyface in a cloud of powdered alluminum.
"He's always-*cough*-taking the easy way.." coughed Happyface.
They ran off in the direction of the elevators.
"This is really exciting!" said the golf cart cabbie to Barkjon. "In all my ten years of being a cabbie, I've never been asked, "Follow that Cab!". It's almost like in the movies."
"Yes, yes, are you following him?" asked Barkjon anxiously.
"Yeah, but just think! In my opinion, the stereotype of a cabbie is somebody who's driving the car for the hero in the movie, but it doesn't give any recognition of what a cab driver actually drives. It gives you the impression that all cab drivers are for following a car, or something, you know?"
"There was a whole series on the life of Antarctican cabbies recently," said Barkjon, annoyed, "That was fascinating. Anyway, are you still following the cart?"
The cabbie turned around to face Barkjon.
"Yeah, but I think--"
"LOOK OUT!" screamed Barkjon. The golf cart was about to crash out of a window!
A snowmobile suddenly appeared beside them, and a feathery wing grabbed Barkjon and the Cabbie out of the cart, moments before the cart smashed through the window, plunging twenty seven stories to land on Icmer In Nyc's new portable fax machine.
The snowmobile swerved around, away from the window and into an elevator. Barkjon looked into the smiling face of their saviour. It was ZapWire!
I think there was a scene like this in Super Antics Galaxy
Explorer and Happyface started up the snowmobiles and drove out of the garage.
"I put a GPS tracker on the waffle batter," said Happyface, "He should be passing us right..."
The Smoothie Mobile went past.
"..Now!"
They accelerated, and Explorer pulled a rope out from his inventory, and made it into a lasso.
They sped through the floors of Dorkugal, scattering Dorkugese penguins here and there. Explorer swung his lasso, and with a loud, "Yee-ha!" he flinged it towards the van. It caught on the giant smoothie cup on top.
The back door of the van opened, and Chlorine poked his head out.
With a Tarzan-like yell, Explorer swung majestically through the air and hit the back of the van, which was now closed. He slowly slid down, but grabbed the rope, hoisting himself up on top.
The van swerved, knocking over a toy car that rolled out the broken window and landed on Icmer In Nyc's other portable fax machine, which exploded.
"...so, I was reading this book, right?" said Zapwire, holding up a book that said on the cover, Quest for the Golden Waffle. The elevator slowly descended, playing elevator music that sounded like Furry Flats' latest single.
"May I see that book?" asked Barkjon.
Zapwire handed it to him. Barkjon started reading.
"Oi! You've forgotten about me!" cried the cabbie, annoyed, who was standing in the corner.
"Oh, sorry!"
"You'll be the one that's sorry..."
The cabbie pulled off a mask. It was....
"It's me!"
Barkjon and ZapWire screamed at the penguin with the ponytail before them.
"Ahhhh! Not you!"
"Yes! It is me!"
"....."
Silence.
"Um.." began Barkjon, "Who are you?"
The penguin put her head in her flippers.
"So much for dramatic entry.." she mumbled.
She pulled herself together and pointed a flipper at Barkjon.
"I, Agent LJM, master of disguise, am putting you, Barkjon, under arrest for robbery!"
Explorer climbed up the rope and stood atop the Smoothie Mobile like a mine cart. Chlorine, thinking he had lost Explorer, slowed the vehicle to the normal speed limit to avoid suspicion.
As Explorer ducked down, the Smoothie Mobile took a sharp corner into an alleyway between two boutiques. With a flash of light, the vehicle disappeared. It was an illegal teleporter!
Bead Seaport, Grand Ol' Land
10:00 AM, December 7, 1915
TTTTSSSSSEEEEEWWWWWW!!!
The Smoothie Mobile reappeared in a peaceful coastal village. High and Normal Penguins were waddling about merrily. In the center of town was a large statue of Finwe. Chlorine, not wanting to be seen, parked behind a random cottage and got out. He slapped some sort of contraption onto the van and waddled after something.
When Chlorine was out of sight, Explorer hopped onto the ground and examined the divice. It was a black circle, nothing much, with an LED screen reading 2:00. Explorer, thanks to his encounters with Doctor Hickory, knew exactly what this was. It was a Fourth Dimension Wormhole Stabilizer, a device used to keep a time rift open for noobs who didn't use a proper time machine. You see, to time travel, one must reach 99.99% the Speed of Light, and to travel in reverse, things become complex. By going to the past, one rips open the fourth dimension (which is time, according to the theory of relativity), a rift called a worm hole. By laws of thermodynamics, the universe always tries to remain stable. It will always close any rip in itself. That counter thing would keep it open by force until the clock hits 0:00, in which the Smoothie Mobile (and anything in it) will return to where it came.
"Again, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS?! I know it!"
Whoops... anyway, Explorer quickly followed Chlorine, bound and determined to discover where he was and why Chlorine was there.
He waddled into the town square, and stood out a bit from the other penguins who were wearing robes. He waddled down the street asking the random penguins questions about what time of year was it, did you see a strange ornage penguin, etc., in their native Penguinian language. Break out the translator, set it to "Norwegian to English", you're due for a laugh.
"Visste du at det er fersken voksende i mitt bukspyttkjertel?"
The High Penguin stepped back a bit, then waddled off as if they had seen Mabel. Explorer was dumbfounded. He decided to try again. This time, he tried to talk to a Normal Penguin.
"Har du sett den ekorn som spiste mine bukser?"
This penguin also took off. A nearby High Penguin took notice.
"You can't speak Penguinian very well, can ya?"
"You can speak English?"
"It's the twentieth century. OF COURSE I can speak English!"
"Oh, sorry. Well, could you tell me what year this is? I have, um, a poor sense of time, and I need to remember."
"It's December 7th, 1915. Those Naughtzee are really becoming a burden. We've tried to get William Tabernaclemountain to listen, but NNNOOOOO! I tell you, friend, it's going to take something HUGE to convince him."
Explorer perked up.
"Did you say... December seventh? 1915? ...it's 10:15 AM?"
"Aye. Is that a problem?"
Naturally, Explorer KNEW it was a problem, since December 7 1915 was the Bombing of Bead Seaport, a key point in the war that involved wedding cakes. According to historians, the Fluffenwaffle came at noon.
As Explorer pondered the situation, and recalling the countdown started at 10:00, meaning he had until noon also remebering the time stream and not to break it, Explorer had-
"ENOUGH!" Explorer screamed at the narrator. The High Penguin looked at Explorer like he drank twelve kegs of Cream Soda. "Can't you just get this story going? The audience is GETTING BORED!"
Fine, fine! As Explorer bickered with the narrator, he saw Chlorine dash around a street, straight to the general store. Quickly persuing, he still didn't understand why the Str00del travelled BACK in time to get an ingrediant.
Running down the streets of Bead Seaport, the clock struck eleven. One hour until the time portal shut. He picked up the pace, but slipped on a nearby rolling pin a female HP dropped. As he fell, the rolling pin went over to Icmer in New Amsterdam (instead of NYC), who was to be the current Icmer's great-grandfather. Icmer in New Amsterdam happened to be carrying a brand new typewriter, the new portable kind, when he slipped and dropped it. The typewriter shattered into a million pieces.
"Å, hvorfor virker dette holde skjer med meg?!?!"
Chlorine was halted by a female HP giving free waffle samples. He couldn't resist buying and eating them all. Explorer seized this oppurtunity and ran into the general store, where a random penguin greeted him.
"Hey there, what can I get for you?"
"Do you have some gold?"
"Hey, I can't just GIVE away my profits! Gold is what I earn! You'll have to make a trade."
"Well, what do you want?"
Explorer gave the store manager his player card for him to look through. Those existed since the 1700s, so it wasn't a shock or anything. The clerk continued reading it.
"Nothing really interests me in your clothing sectio- hey, nice hat! I'll give you my gold for your hat!"
Explorer gawked for a bit. Still, he had no choice if he desired to stop Cholrine... he somberly handed over his prized propellor hat to a clerk who was going to be bombed with cakes at noon.
Now, he had to melt it and he had to escape before the cakes fell and the Smoothie Mobile was sent back to the future!
Just then, the cakes fell. Explorer slapped his flipper against his face at the narrator's convienent timing. He ran for the vehicle, having no time to dodge cakes.
Chapter 6: Escape from Dorkugal[]
Floor Seven, Office Complex #7, Pi Island, Dorkugal
1:10 PM, November 28
Barkjon and ZapWire ran through Floor Seven, scattering Dorkugese penguins left and right.
They spotted Fred, who was at a book store, reading A Thanksgiving Carol. Barkjon grabbed him and kept running.
"Hey! Barkjon! ZapWire! Good to see you! Where's Explorer?" asked Fred cheerfully.
"We were separated," panted Barkjon, "Run! It's the Geek Squad!"
A group of Dorkugese penguins holding Banana Blasters ran after them, screaming, "Halt! Halt!"
ZapWire stopped running and started furiously tapping on a computer cubicle.
"What are you doing?!?" screamed Fred, "Didn't you read what the narrator just wrote? The Geek Squad is after us!"
ZapWire inserted a CD into the disk drive. A loud BEEP came from the computer and the disk popped out. The tern grabbed it and started running again.
"What did you just do?" panted Barkjon.
"I wiped their Doors OS systems and replaced them with Penguin OS. That should distract them."
ZapWire installing Penguin OS
Indeed it did. One Dorkugese penguin stopped to look at the screen.
"Penguin OS?" he screamed, "Who would replace Doors with that piece of Strudel?"
"Penguin OS isn't strudel!" cried another, "Penguuin OS PWNs Doors!"
"O RLY?" cried the first penguuin.
"YA RLY!" screamed the second, and the fight was on. More penguins joined or watched the fight, leaving Barkjon, Fred and ZapWire to escape.
"Computer nerds," chuckled ZapWire, "You can never please 'em."
Bead Seaport, Grand Ol' Land
11:59 AM, December 7, 1915
The cakes fell, and one was heading right towards Explorer.
"Look out!"
An unknown penguin tackled Explorer and they rolled under the Smoothie Mobile, with one minute to spare. They'd be re-teleported in sixty seconds. The cake fell onto the ground.
Explorer looked up at the penguin. He was wearing a red beanie and a friendship bracelet, and looked remarkably like an older, teenage Kwiksilver, only orange.
"Kwiksilver?" Explorer asked, confused.
"Yep, that's the name. Erasmus Christopher Kwiksilver. I'm fighting in the war."
"Erasmus? Kwiksilver's name is James!"
"James? Never heard of him."
Erasmus poked his head out from under the Smoothie Mobile.
"It looks like they've stopped bombing, but only just for a moment. I think they're reloading. Oh no! Triskelle's mother! She was hit!"
He ran out from under the Smoothie Mobile, to Triskelle's mother, who was lying splattered with cake in the middle of the town.
"Blue boy! Help me!" cried Erasmus, struggling to lift the High Penguin.
Explorer ran out, reluctantly, knowing he may miss his only way home, and helped Erasmus carry Triskelle's mother into the general store.
EEEEEEEEOOOOOOO
SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT!
"Aye, they're bombing again," said the shopkeeper, "Was Gilraen hit bad?"
"Yeah," confirmed Erasmus, "Seven cakes, one chocolate. I think she'll live."
Explorer felt sick in his stomach. He knew Gilraen would die next spring because of an allergic reaction, but he couldn't do anything.
As the wedding cakes continued to fall, the clock at the Town Hall struck noon. Explorer gasped.
"Erasmus, what time is it?!"
Erasmus took his pocket watch out of his inventory.
"Noon. Why?"
TTTTTTSSSSSSSEEEEEEWWWWWWW! A huge flash of blue light ensued and a cloud of smoke appeared behind the building where the Smoothie Mobile was. Explorer was now stuck in the Past.
Dorkugese Skyscraper Floor One, Pi Island, Dorkugal
1:10 PM, November 28
Happyface walked off bruised and battered from his encounter with Penghis Khan. He had collided on the autocrat at floor Three rushing downards. Apparently, Penghis Khan doesn't tolerate bad driving, and angering him results in fish slapping.
Happyface pulled out Explorer's player card and pressed the find button.
Explorer 767 is on an adventure!
Happyface closed the player card in annoyance. He pulled out Barkjon's.
Barkjon is in the Dorkugese Jungle.
"The Dorkugese Jungle?" thought Happyface, "why would Barkjon be going there?"
"NOOOO!!! NOT INTO THE JUNGLE! YOU CAN'T MAKE MEEEEEEE!"
"Fred, it's not that bad," said Barkjon, rolling his eyes.
They were at the entrance to the Dorkugese Jungle. Right where the area starts, a giant Blue Screen of Death hung. Broken telephone poles and trees of copper and other metals were entwined with organic items, vines, and real trees. Shattered remains of computer monitors and discarded floppy disks lay all over the ground. WiFi router antennas seemed to grow out of the ground like weeds. It was unnatural.
"Well, Barkjon, this sign here says, "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here". Maybe Fred's got a point," said ZapWire, nervously.
"Would you rather be caught and thrown into jail?"
"No," Fred said, "but--"
"Hey, there they are! Everybody, come on!"
A Dorkugese penguin rounded the corner, followed by the Geek Squad and about a hundred other battered and bruised penguins.
Barkjon hastily pulled Fred and ZapWire, despite their protests, into the jungle. He pulled them into the nearest bush.
They heard the crowd stop at the entrance. They all breathed gasps of horror.
"They went into the Jungle? There's something wrong in their membranes!"
"I'm not going in after them."
"Me neither."
"Come on, let's play virtual chess!"
"YAY!" screamed the crowd, and they ran off, their footsteps fading into the distance.
Bead Seaport, Grand Ol' Land
4.34 PM, December 7, 1915
After four and a half hours, the bombing stopped.
The townspeople slowly walked outside their homes, looking at the damage. Explorer and Erasmus walked out of the general store.
Cake was everywhere. The statue of Finwe was so covered in cake it looked like a giant snowman. Cake was splattered on the ground, the doors, the windows, everything. There were holes in the rooves and several penguins moaning on the ground.
"Erasmus, can I tell you a secret?" said Explorer, realising now that he was part of the time stream, he may as well tell somebody. Erasmus nodded.
"I'm a time traveler from the year 2009, and I'm trying to stop an evil ghost called Sergeant Str00del who wants to take over the universe. I missed my time machine at noon. I have to find the ingredients for a golden waffle."
Erasmus was silent, then roared with laughter.
"Very funny, Explorer! You should be a comedian! It would do wonders for the depressed communities."
"No, I'm not lying!" protested Explorer, but he realized that Erasmus was simply not going to believe him.
"Wait on," said Explorer, "Chlorine missed the time machine too! He must be still around here! Erasmus, quick, look for a chemical-smelling penguin."
Erasmus scanned the streets, and saw a funny-looking penguin struggling with the lock on a door in the ground, which led to a cellar.
Explorer put a finger to his lips and motioned for Erasmus to follow. Together they climbed a lattice, avoiding splattered cake. Erasmus and Explorer appeared on top of a red tile roof, just above Chlorine who had still not managed to get in.
"Erasmus, have you got any rope?" whispered Explorer.
Erasmus nodded, and pulled some rope out of his inventory. Explorer fastened the rope to his flippers, and motioned for Erasmus to slowly lower him down. Erasmus fumbled with the rope, and Explorer fell. He managed to grab the rope just in time. Explorer dangled above Chlorine's head, just centimetres away from disaster. Very slowly and carefully, Explorer pulled an air horn out of his inventory and blew it.
BLARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
Chlorine fainted.
"Wakey, wakey sunshine!"
Chlorine woke with a start, and saw an upside-down Erasmus in front of him. He looked up, then saw he was suspended from a roof beam by a rope. He looked down, and saw himself dangling over a tank with a very thin Mullet in it.
Chlorine screamed.
"Listen, Chlorine. We won't feed you to the mullet," said Explorer, who was behind him.
Chlorine breathed a sigh of relief.
"...until we get some answers."
Chlorine gulped.
"First question," said Explorer, who was leaning on a barrel, "What do you want from the people of Bead Seaport?"
"0|{4¥, 0|{4¥, 1'££ 74£|{!"
"What's he saying?" asked Erasmus.
"Leet," said Explorer, "Use this translator to see it in English."
"$3r934n7 $7r00Ð3£ w4n7$ 70 b3(0m3 rµ£3r 0ƒ 4n74r(71(4! 70 Ð0 7h47, h3 n33Ð$ 7h3 90£Ð3n W4ƒƒ£3. 7h3 $3r934n7 $4w £30n4rÐ0 Ð4 W4ƒƒ£1'$ n073$ 4nÐ $4w w3 (4n'7 µ$3 0rÐ1n4r¥ 90£Ð! 17 h4$ 70 b3 90£Ð ƒr0m 7h3 b0770m£3$$ (01n $4(|{!"
"I see."
"Wh007 $m4(|{£3r Wh007 h4$ 7h3 £4$7 p13(3 0ƒ 90£Ð. H3 m4Ð3 17 1n70 h1$ b0w 713. 1 w4$ $µpp0$3Ð 70 br1b3 7h3 90£Ð 0ƒƒ h1m, bµ7 1 (0µ£Ðn'7 ƒ1nÐ h1m!"
Whoot Smackler Whoot, thought Explorer, this isn't going to be easy.
"Thanks Chlorine. Erasmus, cut the rope," said Explorer.
Chlorine fainted again. Erasmus and Explorer pulled him away from the tank and placed him on the floor of the cellar.
"Hey blue boy!" called Erasmus, "Look what I found!"
Explorer rushed over. Erasmus had found the box of waffle batter.
"Yes! But now, we need the bow tie. How do we know where Whoot Smackler Whoot will be?"
Explorer shook the box in annoyance, then noticed something poking out of the golden batter mix. He slowly reached in, shaked the batter mix off it, then pulled it out.
It was a sweepstakes ticket.
A sweepstakes ticket for the 1915 Christmas raffle. Pink ticket number 7.
Explorer turned it over and saw some spidery writing.
Resistance is not useless, it may help find your goal.
But what did that mean? He called Erasmus over.
"Resistance?" said Erasmus, "What a coincidence. Look at this."
He handed Explorer a newspaper cutting from an illegal publication called the Freedom Fighter's News. It had the headline, RESISTANCE TO RAID CONCENTRATE CAMP.
Triskelle, leader of the Naughtzee resistance, has proposed a raid on the Concentrate Camp near Bead Seaport. It is the biggest camp in Antarctica, and holds about a thousand High Penguins. Triskelle is gathering an army to free these prisoners, but it won't be easy. There are rumours Whoot Smackler Whoot is staying there. If you want to help Triskelle, please go to Bead Seaport town square at 9:00 PM, December 7.
Explorer looked at the clipping, then the ticket. Then a connection formed in his brain.
"Erasmus, we're gonna join the resistance."
Chapter 7: The Resistance Battle The Naughtzee[]
Elevator, Pi Island, Dorkugal
4:44 PM, November 28
Happyface went down in the elevator, listening to the dodgy elevator music and wishing that the Furry Flats latest single would come on soon. Happyface was bored. Very bored.
The elevator stopped and another Happyface ran in, carrying a bag of money.
Happyface's jaw dropped. The other Happyface dropped the bag of money and ran out the elevator door, with the real Happyface in tow.
They ran across Floor Nine, skidding and sliding. Happyface slipped on a plastic water bottle, flipped in the air, then landed safely, still running. The water bottle fell into an alcove on the roof, and stayed there for the next hundred years.
In the year 2100, in the future, Icmer in New Dorkugal, Icmer in Nyc's great-grandson, was celebrating the new century on Floor Nine. Icmer in New Dorkugal had received a new CyberType, a new keyless keyboard which used the holder's brain waves to make letters.
10, 9, 8, 7....
The voice's vibrations knocked the water bottle from it's alcove.
5, 4, 3....
Water spilled over the CyberType, and it crackled and fizzed.
2, 1-- BOOM!!
The CyberType exploded, and Icmer in New Dorkugal cried, "ZOMG Y DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!!!1!"
For the rest of the year, Floor Nine was remembered as the floor that started the century with a bang.
Anyway, back in 2009, Happyface tackled the fake Happyface, and they rolled away in a ball of flippers, punching and kicking.
"Hold It! PSA!" yelled a voice.
Ford Car, with his brother Dancing Penguin, pushed their way through the crowd of Dorkugese that had come to watch.
"Wait, TWO Happyfaces?" said Dancing Penguin, scratching his head. "This will be hard...."
Time Vortex, ????
5:00 PM, November 28
"Come on buddy, can't you at least say something?"
After getting Happyface and Barkjon back to the future something had gone horribly wrong with the Tails and Speed's Time Traveling Sofa. Well, at least Tails had misplaced a important item.
"I still can't believe that you left the recharger at home!. Now we're stuck here, Tails."
Speeddasher was rather upset at his friend since now they were stuck in the vortex. He had barely said a word to Tails ever since the battery died.
"I said I was sorry, Speed. Besides can't you just use Destruction Control and get us out of here?"
Speed turned to face his friend.
"In case you didn't notice these gems don't seem to have any power in the vortex. I've allready tried it, and it dosen't work. But anyways I suppose I can forgive you."
The two shook flippers and then noticed a strange sound.
BLAZZZTTT!!!
"What was that?" asked Speed.
"It sounded like something is entering the vortex," replied Tails.
Just then Metal Explorer popped up and laughed electronicly.
"Thought you could hide from me Tails? We'll you thought wrong! Mwa ha ha!"
Tails looked confused at the robot.
"Um, what are you doin in this story?"
Metal Explorer looked at Tails curiously. He then hovered over to the two.
"Aren't you looking for the Destruction Gems?"
"We were, but then we got stuck in this vortex. Besides the gems don't have any power here."
The robot then looked embarrassed.
"Oh, um well then. I guess I'll just be going then. I've gotta get back to EFF. Somebody dropped their fish burger."
Just as he was about to leave Tails called out to him.
"Wait, Metal Explorer! I know we're supposed to be enemies, but could you maybe get us out of this vortex just this once, please?"
The robot looked angrily at Tails.
"And why should I after you shoved that Destruction Gem into my fuel container?"
"Because I happen to be good friends with The Kernel. If you help me he might give you a day off."
The robot liked the idea of not having to flip fish so he held out his hands.
"Fine then. You two just grab on, but don't expect me to become your friends or anything like that."
The two penguins then grabbed on, and they all headed out of the vortex and into the nearest exit.
Dorkugese Jungle, Dorkugal
5:54 PM, November 28
Barkjon, ZapWire, and Fred continued to walk through the Dorkugese Jungle. Wires hung down from steel trees and occasionally they would spot what appeared to be a ghost. Fred was shaking as he held a sharp, acute triangle in one of his flippers. Then all of a sudden Barkjon spotted something in the distance.
"Hey you two come over here! I think I've found civillization!"
Fred and ZapWire cheered and ran as fast as they could. They were both used to modern technology, and they were getting tired of the jungle.
"FREEEDOM!" Yelled ZapWire.
But just as they reached the town they noticed it was foggy, and very dark. Most of it was lit up by neon lights, and the only sound was the occasional snap of an old wire.
"Wh, what is this pl, place?" Asked Fred nervously.
Barkjon went up to a sign that was also lit up by neon lights.
"Ghost Bottom. Accepting ghosts into our pit since 1989."
Fred, and ZapWire shook as they held onto each other.
"I, I can't even tell the restrooms apart, "said Fred nervously.
He pointed to an old building that had two worn off signs on each side. It was obvious it was a restroom though.
"Th, thats an easy one Fred. Just wait f, for s, someone to come out and th, then you'll know."
Just as he finished saying that a cloaked penguin floated out of one of the doors. Fred started shaking.
"Maybe we should wait for one more."
Then another cloaked penguin came out of the other door. This one was holding a torch. Then another torch holding penguin came out of the first door. Fred screamed.
"I WANNA GO HOME!"
His voice echoed through the jungle and Barkjon walked up to the two nervous penguins.
"Be quiet you two. You don't want to attract anything."
Just then they heard something in the distance. They all turned around to see a huge Chomp Flower walking right towards them. It was licking it's lips (or whatever carnivorious plants have), and started grunting.
"RUUUN!" Yelled Barkjon.
With that they all started running in terror, and the Chomp Flower followed close behind. The chase had begun.
Underground Tunnel, Naughtzee Khanzem's Third Reich
6:19 AM, December 18, 1915
The Resistence, led by Triskelle, marched slowly through an underground tunnel. Wooden beams held the roof and lanterns hung from them, casting an eerie, flickering light over the party. The party held swords, buckets of snowballs, mullets and other weapons. Triskelle's speech had hardened them all, and they marched bravely.
"We've dug a tunnel to the concentrate camp," announced Triskelle, his voice grim. The bombing of his mother was still in his mind. "Once in, separate into the six groups, one to each cell block. Group seven, follow me. I'm going for the Naughtzee quarters."
Nonetheless, Triskelle was much younger that Explorer had ever seen him. He lacked the weariness that his older self would have.
The party came to a halt. Two tunnels led off in different directions. They were marked, ONE and TWO.
"All but group seven take tunnel one. We'll take tunnel two," said Triskelle.
Luckily, Explorer was in group seven. Erasmus was in group five. Explorer waved to his friend as he disappeared into the inky blackness of the tunnel. Triskelle and group seven marched into tunnel two. After furious walking, they finally reached a trapdoor. Triskelle put a flipper to his beak and slowly opened the trapdoor. Explorer poked his head up.
They were in the middle of Naughtzee sleeping quarters! Soldiers snored around them, but Explorer's eyes were fixed on a large four-posted bed. Whoot Smackler Whoot was sleeping peacefully, holding a teddy puffle.
The resistence soldiers moved out. They bound and gagged the sleeping Naughtzee as Explorer and Triskelle moved towards Whoot.
Triskelle went to gag Whoot, but Whoot was already awake. He quickly snatched a cutlass lying on his bedside table and brandished it fiercely.
"En guarde, Triskelle!" he cried.
The two started dueling fiercely, and Explorer dived out of the way and under the bed. Suddenly, Explorer had an idea. Triskelle and Whoot continued to duel. Whoot swiped his sword at Triskelle's flippers, and Triskelle slipped, allowing Whoot to put the sword to his head.
"Surrender now, Triskelle! Call your forces back! You think you could outsmart the fU|-|r3Rzz?"
"Whoot, you are foolish. You have no idea of my secret weapon."
"Secret weapon? What secret weapon?"
"This one!" called a voice.
Whoot and Triskelle looked around. They saw Explorer, holding an electric razor too close to Whoot for comfort.
"Whoot, put the sword down or your mustache gets it!"
Whoot Smackler Whoot whimpered. "No! NO! Don't shave my mustache! I'll do anything! Anything!"
He dropped the sword, and waddled away to the wall, flippers in the air.
"Thank you for your assistance, blue penguin," said Triskelle, getting to his feet, "You have saved my life and my cause. How can I repay you?"
"I'd like Whoot's bow tie," said Explorer.
Triskelle unpinned the golden bow tie from Whoot's pajamas and placed it in Explorer's flipper. Explorer carefully placed it in his inventory, moving the gold he had put in earlier. Suddenly, an explosion filled the air. Explorer and Triskelle ran outside.
High penguin prisoners were blowing up the juice factories. Others had disabled the electric fence and were now jumping on it. Most were dancing, whooping with joy or thanking the resistance soldiers.
A random HP hugged Explorer as he pushed his way through the crowd. The Naughtzee were tied up and struggling in the back of a huge truck. Soon, Explorer met Erasmus.
"Let's go home," he said.
"I wish I could," said Explorer sadly.
"Look, you know I don't believe you about your whole 'time travel' plot, but why don't you see Olly?"
As they ran off, a small cutting sound could be heard from the back of the truck carrying Smackler. A voice could be heard inside.
"All right friends, let's move move move!"
Dorkugese Jungle, Dorkugal
6:09 PM PM, November 28, 2009
Barkjon, ZapWire and Fred tore through the Dorkugese Jungle, the Chomp Flower hot at their heels.
"Gee, we're sure doing a lot of running today!" panted Barkjon.
"It's the narrator," wheezed Fred, "I'm going to SO sue him when the story is over!"
The plant spat a fireball at ZapWire, and the tern swung out of the way on an overhanging IDE cable.
Barkjon grabbed onto ZapWire's talons and Fred made a grab for Barkjon's feet as the ground burnt beneath them.
Then the branch began to swing, out and over a strange river, where instead of water, binary code was rushing past.
The flower looked confused, then leapt onto a branch. There was no time to lose.
Barkjon pulled out a screwdriver. He then pulled CPU side covers out of a tree and started screwing them together.
A motherboard came floating down the binary river and the flower jumped onto it and floated towards Fred and ZapWire.
"Surf's Up!" cried Barkjon. He had converted the side covers into a surfboard! Barkjon jumped into the binary. It was very cold. He paddled, then stood up, riding a binary wave. Fred and ZapWire cheered from the branch.
The Flower saw the penguin coming towards it and eagerly opened it's mouth. Barkjon pulled out some firecrackers left over from D-Day, lit them, and threw them into the gaping cavern.
BOOM!
Chomp Flower parts were scattered everywhere.
Barkjon rescued Fred and ZapWire and they trekked back into the jungle.
Police Cell, PSA HQ, Club Penguin
7:30 PM, November 28
Happyface struggled with the rope. He couldn't believe Dancing Penguin mistook him for a fake! Meanwhile, the fake Happyface had got off scot free!
Ford Car came into the cell.
"Why won't you let me go!" screamed Happyface, "I'm innocent, I tell you. Innocent!"
"Yeah, right, 'Happyface'. We know you robbed the Dorkugal Bank. Here's CCTV footage!"
Ford Car pulled out a remote from his player card and pressed the Play button. A TV screen flipped out of the wall and turned on.
It was a grainy, black and white video of a Dorkugese Bank. Happyface came on the screen, pulled out a Banana Blaster, and threatened the Nerd behind the counter with it. The Nerd shakily handed him a bag of radians and the fake Happyface ran off. The screen flickered and turned off. The lights in the cell also started flickering, then finally switched off, plunging the entire PSA HQ in darkness.
"Aw, schnitzel!" cried Ford Car, "The lights are off! I'll check the fuse box."
As Ford Car stumbled out of the cell, Happyface quickly walked behind him, mimicking his every move. Ford Car turned a corner, then was gone. Happyface switched on his flashlight and followed.
They emerged in the Sports Shop. Happyface quickly hid behind a clothes rack as Ford Car talked to G, who was behind the counter.
rrrrRRRRRR!!!
The roar of a motor started up and Ford Car and G spun around. Happyface had started up a snowmobile, and crashed through the wall and into the wilderness of Club Penguin.
Chapter 8: The Cake Is A Lie[]
Fred, Barkjon and ZapWire stumbled through the electronic jungle, tripping over WiFi antennas and crashing through bushes. Barkjon led the way. Soon, they came to a clearing. Or, at least it LOOKED like a clearing.
Mechanical humming, a whirring, and a curious clicking noise started up, and the grass of the clearing flew into the air, revealing a mass of wires, cables, LEDs, knobs, meters, switches, and the like.
It was a huge, ancient mainframe.
"I've always wanted to see one of these," whispered ZapWire in awe.
"So what?" said Fred, "Those things went out of fashion years ago. Besides, they have a tendency to explode."
Barkjon looked around. The mainframe seemed to go on for miles.
"There's no way around it. We have to get across it."
Fred tenatively took a step onto a large, ancient battery, then took a jump onto a slowly turning knob. Barkjon took a rope out of his inventory, twirled it like a lasso and threw it onto another knob. ZapWire took a running jump, and flew effortlessly over the mainframe and landed on the other side.
"Not fair!" cried Fred.
ZapWire just smiled. "You just can't get across, can you? I'll have to perform some hasty programming."
Fred and Barkjon looked on as ZapWire pulled out a book called Giant Mainframes for Dummies. It was the size of a dictionary.
"So, I flick this switch...." ZapWire flicked a bright green switch and the knob Fred was standing on shifted sideways and stopped turning.
"Next, I cut this cable and connect the blue wire to the red wire." He did so. Barkjon's knob started to spin fast. He quickly jumped off, and used the momentum to land a bright red LED light.
"Ow!" Barkjon cried, "It's hot!" He started to jump from one flipper to the other.
"Hang on, Barkjon!" cried ZapWire, "If I cut this belt..."
He took out a pair of scissors and cut a giant black belt connecting two cogs. A transistor to the left of him sparked, then exploded. The light Barkjon was standing on slowly faded off.
ZapWire took a screwdriver and a cardboard box out of his inventory and started to screw some metal pieces together. Soon, he had a curious, rectangular metal plate. He cut another cable, then connected a hot pink wire to the metal plate. Sparks flew, then everything started spinning faster.
"Whaaaaaaattttsssss happppennning!" called Fred, spinning around and around. The entire machine started vibrating.
"I've overclocked the processor!" cried ZapWire, "Hang in there!"
Zapwire pulled a small CD drive from the cardboard box, as well as an IDE cable. Moving fast, he connected the drive to the IDE cable, then fused the cable into the mainframe. The disk drive popped open. ZapWire pulled a disc from the box, then placed it in the CD drive.
A roll of punch tape came out of a slot in the mainframe. ZapWire pulled it out. It said:
01010111 01101111 01110101 01101100 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101100 01101001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110011 01110100 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01010111 01101001 01101110 01100100 01101111 01110111 01110011 00100000 01010110 01101001 01110011 01110100 01100001 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01110101 01110100 01100101 01110010 00111111
ZapWire had studied binary before, with the help of this translator. He flicked a switch.
Fred finally lost his hold on the knob, and he went falling into a mass of sparking wires. If he touched the wires, he would be killed instantly.
The tern quickly pulled a hard drive out and connected it. A few seconds of formatting and...
ZZZZZAAAAWWWAAAAPPPPZKZKZKKKKUWWWWWW.............
The mainframe stopped working. All the transistors exploded and the wires stopped sparking. Fred fell harmlessly into a cushion of blue wires. Barkjon ran across the floor of the mainframe and gave ZapWire a high five.
"What did you do?" he asked.
"I installed Doors Vista," said ZapWire triumphantly. "Mainframes don't run with an OS, and since there is more power in your watch than in this thing, it couldn't handle the required RAM needed for Doors to work. I broke it.
Fred slowly lifted himself out of the wires, his glasses askew. He was startled by the yell that came next.
"HEY YOU KIDS! GET OFF MY MAINFRAME!"
"Doesn't he mean, lawn?" said Barkjon.
NOTE: Even though ZapWire prefers Penguin OS, an old copy of Doors was the only OS he could find. He found it in the garbage, after he ran out of spare Penguin OS discs.
Explorer took out his map. Unfortunately, the map showed USA places, not Khanzem places. Explorer would have to choose a location based on historical data. He waved a final goodbye to his friend, Erasmus.
He hit the button that would take him to South Pole City in 2009. Since G's family mansion was nearby, and considering the Flight Brothers lived there too, Ølly would probably be where his family lived.
Erasmus saw Explorer pull out the map and teleport. Just before he teleported, Erasmus noticed Explorer left Whoot's gold bow tie behind.
"Hey, Explorer! You forgot your--"
Explorer teleported.
"...gold."
He was correct! Appearing at what would become the small suburb of Blizzardville, Explorer took out a compass, found north, and walked in that direction. After about fifteen minutes, he spied a stone shack with straw thatching, and in the far distance, what looked like a little bike shop.
Explorer nervously knocked on the ornate wooden doors of Ølly's lair.
An old penguin came to call. He looked like he belonged in an RPG Game. His scarlet robe coincided with the black undercoat, and coupled with the monacle and mustache, he was qute a site to behold.
Explorer, struggling not to ask if he was late for a "Steller Travel convention" or the Midieval party, walked in.
Once inside, he saw such strange sights. There was a telescope in one corner, vials and flasks and such of all sorts of colored potions, and an odd item sitting on a pedestal in the center.
"Χαιρετισμούς, φίλε. Είμαι Ølly, και πιθανότατα γνωρίζουν τι ψάχνετε."
[translate.google.com Ølly spoke Geek. Just his luck.] Fortunately, Explorer had a handy English to Geek dictionary.
"I'm looking for a way to go Back to the Future."
"Η απάντηση είναι σαράντα δύο." was Ølly's response. He said "The answer is forty two."
Explorer slapped his flipper against his face and turned to the author.
"DID YOU DO ALL OF THIS TO START QUOTING INTERNET PHENOMONON? DO YOU ALSO KNOW THAT YOU REFERENCED THAT ONE INCORRECTLY?!"
Explorer turned back to Olly, who was now working on a seismograph.
"Ølly, I have to get back to 2009 and save the world from Seargent Str00del!"
Ølly froze and turned around.
"Didst thou just say... Sergeant Str00del?"
"Yes."
Ølly stepped back.
"Ah, the position of the planet Pluto did forsee a penguin like thee seeking the information you just requested... though, it may have been the orbit of Uranus."
Explorer tried hard not laugh after he said "Uranus".
"You're an astrologer too?"
"Aye. Now, I don't really comprehend if I can send thee back to ye own era. Let me check-eth the Book of COC-Abiding Spells."
Ølly proceeded to a towering bookself.
"I have found what I seek!"
Ølly pulled out what looked like a Chinese-Checkers board. It was glowing, and had a green "L" written on it. On it was a very disturbing picture of a surprisingly familiar figure. The black text read "Αυτή είναι μια διαδικτυακή φαινόμενο.", or "this is an online phenomenon".
"Um... why is that a picture of Luigi engraved on a Chinese Checkers Board?"
"Clearly thou dost not understand the power of this item! This is a Weegee Board."
"Don't you mean Ouija Board, and isn't that COC illegal?"
"Nay!" Ølly shouted. "I meaneth what I speak. Weegee board."
"Weegee Board?"
"Aye! Didst I stutter?"
"What can it do?"
Ølly handed Explorer a scroll.
"If you need assistance in a hotel, please view the enclosed instruction book." was its text.
Explorer was annoyed and received another scroll from Ølly.
- Weegee Board. A Weegee Board is a very dangerous item. Folklore states that staring into the eyes of the creature in its center results in loss of identity, temporary submission to Weegie's evil demands (namely, destroying Mario), and in severe cases, it can be permanent. It is not recommended to stare a Weegee down. If counter-staring occurs, the victim may become a Weegee statue. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Explorer, not wanting to risk being at the mercy of an Internet Phenomonon, stood in the center of a {insert nerdy shape here} that Ølly drew in the dirt floor.
"Okay. Thou must stand as still as possible whilst I turn on yonder lamps." Ølly nodded and placed {number of vertexes in shape} flashlights at the vertexes of the shape. He turned them on and began.
Holding up the Weegie Board high above his hands, he started doing the Cabbage Patch dance with it. After turning a backflip, he shouted:
"Iste eccillam matris Luigi ad qu, Mario!
"
"Wait, you just said "That's Mama Lui-"
TTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Explorer vanished, and in his place stood a stone statue of a Weegee.
"Hmm.. I did not forsee this," hmmed Ølly, "Explorer hath become a Weegee Statue! I must findeth a way to reverse it."
Director Benny sat at his desk at Universal Bureau of Fictitious Literature facing his little laptop. He was quite fond of it, not minding Mayor McFlapp's comments about it. Sentence after sentence came up on his laptop screen, which Director Benny either approved or did not approve. After the Director approved it, it was officially added to the story. That was his job. Another sentence came up on the screen.
"Iste eccillam matris Luigi ad qu, Mario!
"
Director Benny clicked approve with a frown. How did McFlapp come up with this stuff? Another sentence appeared.
"Wait, you just said "That's Mama Lui-"
APPROVED
TTTTTTTTTTTSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
APPROVED
Explorer vanished, and in his place stood a stone statue of a Weegee.
Director Benny's eyes widened. This was outrageous! McFlapp had turned a character into an inanimate statue! That was violating Law #1673 of the rule book! Benny smiled as he called up Mayor McFlapp on a video call. He could finally tell the Mayor off!
"McFlapp!" cried Benny, "I do not appr--"
Benny stopped mid sentence. The Mayor's office was missing. He was just looking at a large hole in the Ternville skyscraper. Jagged cracks ran along a broken linoleum floor, ending where the sky began. No office. No Narrator's Organ. No Mayor McFlapp.
"Mayor McFlapp! Are you there?" called Benny.
There was a large beep as the video call stopped and another one started. Benny answered.
The secret hidden camera in the Narrator's Organ was activated. Benny saw Mayor McFlapp tied to a chair, and Sergeant Str00del and Mother of the Puppets standing over him.
"$0, ¥0µ 4r3 7h3 0n3 7h47 (0n7r0£$ 7h3 µn1v3r$3? " said Sergeant Str00del in his ghostly l33t voice.
"Why do you bally care?" shot back McFlapp, "Why th' flippin' heck have you taken me and my office to this secret lair of yours?" He winked at the camera.
The Sergeant and MOTP had not noticed the hidden camera.
"91v3 m3 7h3 p4$$w0rÐ ƒ0r 7h1$ 0r94n 7h1n9! " cried Sergeant Str00del.
"No."
"73££ m3! "
"NO!"
"Hey boss! Look what I found!" cried MOTP, looking at the hidden camera.
"4h4! N1(3 7r¥, 73rn. $m4$h 17, M07P. " said Sergeant Str00del.
MOTP pulled out her puppet and began smashing the lens with it.
"THE CAKE IS A LIE!" cried the Mayor, in a panic, "THE CAKE IS A LIE! THE CAKE IS A--"
fzzzzzzzz!!!!
The camera exploded and the video feed fizzed out.
Director Benny puzzled over what McFlapp had said. He had to be saved...but could Benny stand the humiliation of saving his enemy? The Director bounced over to the bureau's coffee machine and made himself a latte. He noticed a small metal box with a hole in it lying next to the coffee machine. Benny picked it up and read the hurriedly scribbled writing on the side aloud.
"The cake is a lie."
TSSSSEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!
In reality, the box was the Lithium Improbability Drive. Mayor McFlapp had raised the improbability level to over 9000, which in turn allowed the box to improbably appear next to the coffee machine. The words, "The Cake Is A Lie", were the reset words which, when said, reset the improbability to 0 and release all the excess improbability in an improbable place.
When Director Benny reset the machine, the improbability energy was released in two places: right below the Weegee statue (which was Explorer in suspended animation), and around ZapWire and Barkjon. The improbability caused some very improbable things to happen.
The Weegee statue vanished and Explorer, now reanimated, appeared in the place of ZapWire and Barkjon, while ZapWire appeared on the back of Happyface's snowmobile and Barkjon appeared next to Admiral Ackbar. It was all very random and happened in a fraction of a second, but it's a great plot twist.
Happyface spun around and noticed ZapWire on the back of his snowmobile. He swerved and nearly hit a tree.
"What are you doing here?" screamed Happyface.
"I have no idea," said ZapWire.
They heard a siren. Ford Car, Dancing Penguin and G were riding a PSA snowmobile.
"Pull over!" shouted Ford Car through a megaphone.
"LOOK OUT!" screamed ZapWire. Happyface had turned around, and didn't notice that they were heading for a cliff. The snowmobile flew off the cliff and fell into inky blackness, it's two occupants screaming as they plummeted.
The PSA snowmobile stopped at the edge of the cliff.
"Do you think they're still alive?" whispered Dancing Penguin.
"I'm not sure," said G, "That hole leads down nearly 5000 metres. I'm not checking."
The PSA snowmobile started up again and drove off back towards Club Penguin.
Explorer suddenly appeared next to Fred, who was standing on the other side of the giant mainframe watching an elderly penguin yell and wave a walking stick at them. Fred jumped.
"Explorer? Where's Barkjon and ZapWire?" cried Fred.
Explorer suddenly felt dizzy.
"Listen Fred...I dunno. I feel like somebody just put me through a blender," he groaned, then fainted.
Barkjon appeared next to a group of penguins dressed up as pilots who were being told a complex plan by something that looked like a squid with arms and legs. Nobody noticed him.
"...and when you get past the atmosphere, don't panic. It's not a trap," finished the squid-thing, who Barkjon now recognized as Admiral Ackbar, commander of the USA's military.
The pilots walked away towards twenty strange looking things that could pass for aircraft.
"Um...excuse me, Admiral?" said Barkjon nervously to the Calamarian. "There's been some mistake. I'm supposed to be in the Dorkugese Jungle and--"
"Woah there, hold on to your seahorses," said Ackbar, "You must have missed the briefing! We're launching a starfighter assault on this strange object that appeared in the sky a moment ago." Ackbar pointed at the sky. A large yellow object that looked like a spherical waffle was floating in the sky.
"It sent hostile messages to us in leet, daring us to attack it. They also called me a bit of seafood!" The Admiral looked furious. "That's the last time they mess with Admiral Alfonsus Ackbar!"
Barkjon ran to one of the last ships. The other pilots had taken off already and were know heading to the large object. Barkjon hopped in the cockpit and pressed a button. The cockpit sealed. Barkjon then remembered he didn't know how to drive one of these. He pulled out a manual and began reading as the ship began ascent on Autopilot.
Chapter 9: IBM, an Ice Cave and an Alternate Future[]
Explorer opened his eyes and saw Fred standing over him. He was in some sort of cave.
"IBM!" Fred called, "He's awake!"
An elderly penguin came into Explorer's view.
"It's about time, young whippersnapper! I'm Isadore Base Macrosky. IBM for short," said the elderly penguin.
Explorer got to his feet and looked around. It was a small cave, barely ten metres across. A large, 1950s-esque mainframe took up most of the space, but IBM had managed to squeeze a small, ancient fridge and a mattress beside it.
"Your brother here told me that you're searching for this Golden Waffle, ain't ya?" said IBM, "Listen sonny, I may be able ta help you with that."
"S1r I c-c4n'7 f-f1n i7."
"KEEP SEARCHING YOU NOOB! I must find the recipe for this so called Golden Waffle!" Yelled Sergeant Str00del.
Ben shook nervously and kept searching the files.
"B-bµt what if w-w3 g3t c-caught? It's v-v3r¥ risky br-br3aking into this b-building."
Sergeant Str00del roared at Ben and then held up his fork.
"I don't care if we get caught or not. The only way I can ever overthrow the Captain is if I re-create the Golden Waffle. NOW KEEP SEARCHING!!!!"
Ben shook even more and searched through the files. Just then they heard a knock on the door.
"By orders of the South Pole Council, we order you to walk out of the building with your flippers over your head! We repeat, walk out of the building with your flippers over your head!"
Ben shrieked and quickly hid behind a crate. Helicopters hovered over the buildings, and Pie Tanks surrounded the area.
"Th-th3r3'5 no on3 h-3r3"
Sergeant Str00del rolled his eyes.
"You're pathetic Ben."
"Sir if you do not exit the building we will send a SPAT Team(special pies and tactics) to remove you by force! Please exit the building now!"
Just then Sergeant Str00del saw a piece of paper and picked it up. He grinned evily and started laughing.
"Finally I've got it! Now the Captain will be....
"You've forced us to take action. Soldiers take down the door."
Sergeant Str00del smirked, and held the recipe tightly.
"Time to go."
Sergent Str00del then went right through the wall leaving Ben all alone.
"H3Y! WHAT ABOUT M3! I H3LP3D......OH NOES!!!!"
Ben looked up to see three army trained penguins with Snowball Guns aimed right at him. One held a pair of flipper cuffs, and put them on Ben. The noob was then taken into custody, and Sergeant Str00del laughed even more.
Happyface woke up.
He wasn't dead. At least, he thought he wasn't. His flipper was bleeding and he was stiff all over. Happyface was in a high-ceilinged ice cave. He stood up, dusted himself off and looked for ZapWire. Parts of the crashed snowmobile were scattered throughout the cave, and Happyface had no trouble finding the indestructible help box that every snowmobile carries. He used the bandage roll to wrap up his flipper and picked up the torch and a packet of chips.
He walked through narrow passages, some Happyface could only squeeze through and huge spaces, so when he breathed the sound of his breathing echoed across the walls. Finally, Happyface came to the end of the tunnel. There was a trap door above him. He reached for it, but was dragged away by a feathery wing.
"Keep it down," said ZapWire, "There are people up there." He motioned to the trapdoor.
They both opened the trapdoor and peeked through the crack.
It was the Humana Cathedral. The Sapie Brothers and Chlorine were grouped near a large machine that Happyface recognized as the Shape Shifter 1800! He thought it was broken beyond repair!
"Ðr Hµm4, w1££ 4n¥b0Ð¥ |{n0w 1'm r0bb1n9 7h3 b4n|{$? 4nÐ 1$ 17 $4ƒ3?" asked Chlorine.
"Of course not, my good friend," said Huma, "This will completely change your appearance! It's perfectly safe, isn't it Stamm?"
Stamm cringed. Happyface knew he was remembering the time he became a Puffle in Project Triple Scanner.
Chlorine stepped into the machine, and there was a flash of light. Explorer walked out.
"Wow!" said the fake Explorer, who was really Chlorine, "I've got his voice too!"
Chlorine walked over to a backpack in the corner, pulled out some coins and gave them to Huma. He then walked out the door.
Huma and Stamm followed him out.
"Listen, Happyface," began ZapWire, "I have a plan..."
ZapWire opened the trap door and he and Happyface ran over to the SS 1800's keyboard. ZapWire took command and started typing rapidly. Happyface, meanwhile picked up a spanner and smashed some of the 1800's circuits. When they had done, they both climbed back inside the trapdoor.
Huma and Stamm walked in again, leading a penguin after them. Happyface recognized him as Sad-Face 141 Happyface's evil clone.
"I can't wait to destroy the good name of my original," said Sad-Face with an evil smile.
He walked inside the SS 1800 and Huma tapped on the screen. Suddenly, lasers shot out of the SS1800 and hit Sad-Face, Huma and Stamm. They vanished in a burst of green light.
"Doctor Huma, Doctor Stamm and Sad-Face have been teleported to Owcatraz!" said ZapWire. Happfyface did a little victory dance.
ZapWire's watch beeped and he checked it.
"I've got to get home," he said, "I have an online meeting with Ninjinian." And with that, he flew away.
Happyface teleported home.
Clubb Phengin Weekee (ruins)
3:30 AM, December 6, 2784
Tails and Speed landed out of the vortex and their sofa soon followed. Metal Explorer however was no where to be seen.
"Hm, where do you think that robot went Speed?" Asked Tails.
"Most likely we were sent to different times when we entered the rift. But we don't have time to worry about that now. We just have to find out where we are."
The two looked around and soon spotted something.
"Hey Speed, look over there," said Tails.
Speed turned around to see a dusty old, and worn down computer. It was a very large computer, and it seemed to have been offline for quite some time. Feeling a small bit of pity for the computer, Speed plugged in a wire he had found near to the device and soon the computer turned back on.
Tails and Speed confronting the computer
"See?! See, I told you the blackboard would do this! Why didn't you listen to me when I said ban it?! Why, I- ...oh, what, you turned me on? Wow, it appears I've been offline for longer than I thought."
"Cool, this thing talks," said Tails.
"Why, I'd know that voice anywhere. Mister Tails, and who are- OH GRAVY, YOU'RE SPEEDDASHER! I LOVE YOUR ART!"
"What?" Asked Speed. "Who are you and how do you know who we are?!?"
The computer laughed as its inner mechanisms wirred. Eventually, it stopped though and started talking again.
"I am "Dictator" TurtleShroom of the Clubb Phengin Weekee. Well, specifically, it's my brain in this computer. I haven't had visitors... since... that day..."
"Cool," said Tails. "It's nice to know that there's at least someone here we know. What day are you talking about?"
TurtleShroom started crying, but eventually pulled himself together. Lightning cracked in the sky as TSP AI began.
"Oh, it was terrible... Sergeant Str00del and Ben somehow obtained this strange artifact, it looked just like a waffle..."
"The Golden Waffle?"
"Indeed, I presume. Anyway, they, being evil vandals, chose to exact revenge on the first place they were kicked from. As a penguin, I had annialated them both from the Weekee. When I stepped down, the new government was weak, and became consistently weaker as time grew on. They created reforms, linked to that atrocious blackboard... anyway, I said that to say this. With a weaker government and no defenses, Ben and Sergeant used the power of the Waffle to overcome the Deletion Rod, and they stormed the gates. They had gathered an "army of the banned", summoning vandals and the Turtlehaters from the Blackboard, and ravaged the land. I tried to do what I could, but I had agreed to not be connected to the CPW very extensively after learning I was a computer. That was my downfall.... everyone and everything was destroyed and vaporized, I was unplugged, yet survived."
"WHAT?!?" Yelled Tails. "How could this have happened?"
"I'm still wondering how you two are still alive, especially since you're not immortal, and... well, my system clock says 2700 something. You should be deceased." said TurtleShroom.
Speeddasher pointed at the sofa that they had used to travel through time with.
"In a way I am imortal, but anyways we're from 2009," he said. "The Destruction Gems were sent to different places in time and we're searching for them. But anyways, this can't be the future. There must be a way to change it."
"Actually, there is. You see, the time stream is malleable. Anything that happens in the past affects the future. So, I reason that if you two can go back to the time before Sergeant Str00del got the formula for The Golden Waffle, then this will never have happened."
"That's a good idea TurtleShroom," said Tails. "We'll do just that."
"It's better then sitting here I guess," said Speed.
They both waved goodbye to the computer and walked towards the sofa.
"Oh shoot! We're out of power!"
"Did you say "Destruction Gem"? I really don't know what that is, but a small and finely-cut jewel rolled underneath a crevice in my casing right before I was unplugged. If the Sergeant didn't find it, it should be underneath me."
Tails6000 bent over and looked under the ground between TSP AI and the floor. Sure enough, a glimmering item was a few inches behind the computer. Speeddasher bent over and picked it up. It was a Destruction Gem.
"Also, there should be an MP3 Player attached to a port on me, I used it to listen to music while I worked. I was turned off when it was, there should be batteries in it."
Tails nodded and took the battery out of the MP3 Player.
"Thanks TurtleShroom," said Tails.
The two penguins then walked over to were their sofa was. Then Tails saw something else.
"Hey Speed, isn't that Omega?"
Speed looked to where Tails was pointing to see Omega's offline body. It was nothing but melted scrap metal. A small weapon and an eyeball were sitting nearby. They both took a good long look at him.
"There's nothing we can do for him now," said Speed. "The only way to save him is to change the past. Now come on."
Tails sensed that Speed wanted to help Omega so he followed. The two then grabbed the Gem, placed the batteries in the Sofa, and disappeared in a flash. Turtleshroom was looking abit nervous.
"Please be careful," said Turtleshroom quietly. "Your actions in the past will change the whole world."
A dark figure sat in a room while at a computer. All of a sudden Sergeant Str00del appeared on the screen.
"Well done my minion. Happyface and the others won't know what hit them."
"But sir. It's my duty to inform you that two penguins who's names I don't know at the moment are attempting to fix the actions you did in that past to make things right again."
Sergeant Str00del laughed.
"You don't honestly believe they'll cause any sort of threat to us do you?"
"No not at all sir. I'm just saying it could jepordise our plan. Also what if I'm found out. Our plan will be ruined."
"Don't worry. Your status will protect you."
The figure was shaking, but he agreed. The computer then turned off, and the figure stepped outside. Just then he held up a picture of Speeddasher. He crumbled it up and laughed.
"Even the ultimate lifeforms gotta die sometime. Whether you and Tails are involved with this or not, I will get rid of you. Then I can get to the real target."
The figure then walked away, laughing as he went.
"When I was a youngster, 'bout fifty years ago..." began IBM, shadows flickering around him from a failing lamp, "I was part of a team of archaeologists to find tha' there Golden Waffle. Wherever the underground Shrine of the Waffle was, it would affect th' seismic waves passing through the ground. That way, the archaeologists an' I could figure out the rough position of the Shrine by using th' readings. We were searching for clues in this jungle, when a mighty earthquake separated me from my team. Our original mission was to plant seisometers all over the jungle, however, I was th' one holdin' th' seisometers, and the mission was abandoned."
"I was th' stubborn one. I planted those seisometers all over the jungle, and I got some great info from some tremors. I built my mainframe to decode them, and it's taken me this long. Th' information is ready to be downloaded, but your foolish bird friend messed it up. It'll take years to build it again!"
"Well, what are we waiting for?" exclaimed Explorer, "Let's fix it!"
"Well," began IBM, looking rather sheepish, "I've forgotten how to troubleshoot it."
Fred looked at IBM in exasparation. "YOU FORGOT?!?"
"Well then, whippersnapper, if you're so smart, fix it!"
"I'm... I'm," sputtered Fred, "I'm into math! I don't do computers!"
"Noob!" screamed IBM, waving his stick at Fred.
"I am not a noob!" cried Fred. "I'll try to fix it!"
IBM's mainframe control panel.
Fred moved over to the control panel of the mainframe. He looked for a second at the mess of wires, take, wheels and transistors, then turned to IBM.
"How do you work this thing?"
"I don't tell you how to program your life!" snapped IBM defiantly.
Explorer made "The Look".
"Okay, okay," said IBM, "I'll help ya."
IBM pointed to a something that looked like a lightbulb.
"That there's a vacuum tube. It "PWNS" yer fancy newfangled transistors."
"Don't those things blow up daily?" asked Explorer.
"No, of course not!" answered IBM.
Outside, in the direction of IBM's giant mainframe, there was a faint explosion.
"... then again," he finished softly, "they do have a tendency to do things..."
"What happen?" Fred asked Explorer.
"Someone set us up the bomb," answered Explorer sarcastically.
"Shut your output!" said IBM sharply to Explorer, "I'm a-talking here! You think you've got it so good with yer mice 'n keyboards 'n graphical shells... well, ya don't! Your noob friend can't even use a seventeen line William tube!"
"I am not a noob!" yelled Fred, "Math is my skill, not running a machine with less memory than a floppy disk!
"Youngin', you are so a noob," said IBM sadly, "Your noob status does not even compute."
"I AM NOT A NOOB!" screamed Fred angrily.
"What were we talking about?" asked IBM, "I lost my file."
"Well, that proves the necessity of AutoSave." said Explorer calmly, who had a box of popcorn in one flipper and a Dance in the other.
"AutoSave?" asked IBM, "That's for lazy, cowardly, couch potatoes who can't even read a spreadsheet!"
Fred flipped some switches on the mainframe, trying to set the system to standby. "Phooey! Where in the name of integrals is the master switch? Doesn't this thing have a Ctrl-Alt-Delete function? Argh! I've got you now, you impudent little CPU!"
"The thing doesn't have a keyboard, Fred, or an operating system at that matter." said Explorer, yawning carelessly, "Maybe you should rewire the AND/OR pathways, and maybe tinker a little with the fractal resistors. Then, rewind the magnetic tape to the beginning. Oh, and did you check the frontal diodes? They might be faulty."
"If you're so smart, then you fix it!" cried Fred. Explorer took Fred's place and started flipping switches, rewinding tape, checking diodes and doing tinkering, within minutes, the sytem was at standby and a roll of punch tape came out of the machine.
"The information!" cried IBM, looking at the punch tape like it was gold, "I've been waiting for this my whole life!"
Explorer pulled out the roll of punch tape and handed it to IBM. The tape read, 127150157047163040164150145040156157157142040156157167077.
"This isn't even binary!" said IBM, puzzled, "Argh, what have you given me here, youngin'?!"
Explorer took the roll off IBM and gave it to Fred. Fred read it, and started giggling uncontrollably.
"What does it say?" said IBM, looking frantically at each Antics Brother, who were rolling on the floor, and laughing as if they'd just been hit by a ROFL Waffle.
"It's in Octal, Base 8," said Explorer, shaking with mirth, "It says.." he burst into a giggling fit.
"It says," continued Fred, in between gasps of air, "Who's the noob now?"
They both began laughing like maniacs. Explorer handed IBM the real information.
"Okay, okay, calm down youngin's," said IBM, "It says here that the shrine is located north of here! Let's go!"
Chapter 10: Expedition to the Shrine[]
Barkjon put away the manual as the Waffle Star came into sight.
Sergeant Str00del sat at his desk with several of his minions behind him. Over the past few days he had broke Ben out of Owcatraz. Just then, the phone started to ring. Sergeant Str00del picked it up.
"You had better be giving me some good news this time," said Sergeant Str00del.
"Oh this is very good news Sergeant. I think I've found the perfect vessel for your body. It should be very easy to get to him, once I take care of them."
Sergeant Str00del smiled and then laughed.
"So, who is this vessel my friend?"
A nearby scanner then automatically turned on and a photo came out of it. Sergeant Str00del picked up the picture and smiled.
"I'm sure you're thinkin' what I'm thinking master," said the voice on the phone.
"Exactly my friend. If Speed and Tails want to use time travel to try and defeat us, we'll beat them at their own game."
"And remember our deal Sergeant."
Sergeant Str00del smirked.
"Don't get your feathers all messed up. Remember I'm the leader of this operation. You're just the double agent. I'll get rid of them, but just remind yourself who's incharge here."
"Of coarse Sergeant. Also, I've just recieved information that Explorer, Fred, and IBM are heading towards the Shrine. I suggest you send something to stop them."
The Sergeant nodded his head.
"Indeed my minion. Our Foccis will take care of them. And even if they fail like they usually do, they'll be suprised at what they find at the end of the shrine."
"I must go now master. But remember to put the costume on."
"Yes of coarse my minion. How could I forget."
Sergeant Str00del got up and waved his fork around. A purple cloud then surrounded him. When it finally disapeared, Sergeant Str00del now resembled the Captain.
"To think those fools thought it was the Captain was the one that's been causing all the trouble. It's been me all this time."
Sergeant Str00del the said goodbye to his minion and turned the phone off. He then turned to Ben.
"Remind me to give our double agent a raise."
Ben nodded nervously while the Sergeant floated away.
Explorer, Fred, and IBM set off in a little jungle buggy that IBM had recovered and rebuilt from the accident fifty years ago. As they rumbled along, with Explorer at the wheel, Fred translated the binary into English and started typing on his laptop.
"Richter magnitude, wave propagation, frequency, vertical amplitude, relative dissonance..." muttered Fred as he filled in a set of parameters in a dialog box on his laptop's screen.
"Whatcha doin', Fred?" asked Explorer as he cruised the vehicle through the Dorkugese Jungle.
"I'm trying to simulate IBM's data," replied Fred. "Just need to fill in this last field.... hmmm, permafrost thickness is about 1.3 miles..."
Fred's laptop whirred as the simulation began to run. All of a sudden, the screen went blank. An orange grid appeared, and red waves began to propagate from the lower left corner of the screen.
The waves continued until they bounced off an object in the center of the grid, which was immediately highlighted in yellow.
"That's it!" said IBM. "That there yellow whatchamacallit is the Shrine of Waffles!"
All of a sudden, the ground shook. Explorer slammed his foot on the brakes and the buggy screeched and skidded to a stop.
Book II: Trans-Antarctica[]
Huma, Stamm, and Sad-Face are now in Owcatraz, but the fake Explorer is still on the loose. More dangers are approaching Antarctica and some may have allready arrived. As a mysterious figure is on a mission to get rid of a certain penguin, Speed and Tails' lives are at risk aswell as many other's. Secrets will be revealed, criminals will be found, and an unknown enemy is secretly plotting away.
Chapter I: A Midnight Visit[]
A random igloo backyard, Club Penguin
11:17 AM, June 5
The sun was shining over Club Penguin and two Chicks were sitting under a pine tree in their backyard. Their parents had left them with their insane babysitter and they couldn't seem to think of anything to do.
"So what do you want to do Herb?"
The other penguins simply shrugged and Midas pouted soon afterwards.
"Well what do you want to do Perry?" He asked his Puffle.
The creature simply chattered his teeth and scooted away.
"Well he's a mammal. They don't do much."
Herb nodded his head in agreement. All of a sudden there was a huge flash and a red sofa with two penguins appeared.
"Okay Speed, I think we're finally in 2009," said Tails.
"Good, cause I was really gettin tired of listening to that old man yap about independence."
Midas' eyes widened as he saw the time machine.
"That is one cool contraption you guys."
"Thanks,"replied Tails. "I made it myself."
Speed simply huffed.
"Who are you two geeks anyways?"
Tails nudged him.
"Try and be more polite Speed. They're 11 year old chicks. They may even be able to help us find the Destruction Gems and stop Sergeant Str00del. I think these two are the famous Midas and Herb."
"Destruction Gems? You mean those gems that revolve around the Master Gem that keeps Angel Island afloat due to energy given off by that creature that exerts a force that defies the law of gravity? Those Destruction Gems?"
Tails and Speed had fallen asleep on the sofa from listening to Midas' speach, but they then woke themselves up. Tails then scratched his head.
"Aren't you a little young to know all that stuff little guy?"
"Why yes, yes I am. I get that a lot. Anyways though, could me and Herb help you. I've got the brains and Herb um, he's more of a bird of action."
Herb held up a wrench and waved at the two penguins.
"How fascinating," said Speed sarcastically.
"Don't be so rude Speed. Anyways I hear you two build a lot of stuff. I suppose you could help us that way."
Speed huffed.
"Is there a possibility that you could build a huge cannon that will delete Sergeant Str00del and his minions from the face of the Earth?" He asked.
"Oh no, we don't build things for violence. We do it for fun."
"And for the ladies," said Herb silently as he approached the others.
Speed slapped his head with his flipper.
"Come on Speed. I'm pretty sure they can help us."
"So you're actually suggesting leaving the fate of the world in the flippers of two 11 year old pacifists?"
"Let's just let them tag along Speed. Most likely they won't do anything wrong."
Speed eventually agreed and the two invited Midas and Herb to join them. The four then got on the sofa and disappeared in a flash. Canren saw the whole thing though and had all ready phoned the boys' mom about it.
Meanwhile, Happyface had returned to his igloo. Taking a piece of cake from the fridge, he ate it and proceeded to go to bed.
He awoke to the furious knocking on his front door. Yawning and calling "Coming, coming..", Happyface made his way to the door. He opened it to reveal a tired but alert Kwiksilver. He had Sprocket sleeping in his satchel and was clutching a wad of paper.
"Kwik, what the pancake are you doing here at this time of night?" yawned Happyface.
"No time to explain. Check this out," said Kwiksilver, smoothing the paper out on Happyface's dining table.
It was a recipe for an apparent pastry, but the ingredients were strange. "Two golden eggs...Half a cup of Sacred Batter Mix..." isn't this the recipe for the Golden Waffle?" said Happyface.
"Exactly," said Kwiksilver, "But look!" He pointed to a small scribble in between the ingredients and the recipe.
"Two barrels of liquidized nuclear waste. Funny," said Happyface, "I wonder who wrote that."
"Leonardo da Waffli himself. He told me to send you a message, so I have. If you don't add extra energy, the Waffle will fall short of the energy requirements needed to power up, collapse on itself, and destroy the universe."
"And Explorer doesn't...doesn't know!" gasped Happyface.
"Yes. You'll have to grab some nuclear waste and take it to him," drawled Kwiksilver impatiently, "Actually, any high-energy material will do. You'd better get going."
"Why can't you do it?"
Kwiksilver showed him the Vortex Manipulator on his wrist. The battery level was at one third. "I'm out of battery power, and I've got people to help. Besides, I think you're meant to be the one."
"Fine," said Happyface, "But where would I get nuclear waste?"
Kwiksilver threw him a small notebook that appeared to be stuffed with pieces of cut out paper. "This should explain everything, I've got to get going." In a flash, he was out the door and running down the street.
Happyface pinched himself twice to make sure he wasn't dreaming. Then, he slowly picked up the notebook and read the first sentence.
The largest amount of nuclear waste is held in the Immortal Immobilizer 3000.
A crack appeared in front of them, widening and spreading on to make a further crack, then another, then another.
Soon, the crack had widened to reveal something gleaming and yellow. Explorer, Fred and IBM moved forward cautiously, and examined the crack.
"It's a cave!" said Fred excitedly.
"Look here, young'ns!" said IBM, "It seems to be an inscription of some kind, but my old eyes can't read it!
Explorer examined the old engravings on the entrance of the cave. "It says, 'L. D. W' then under that is the recipe for the Golden Waffle."
Fred made a rubbing with characoal and slipped it in his pocket. IBM handed out some torches and they walked into the cave together.
It was cold and stalagmites could be seen hanging from the roof.
staclamites
Trivia[]
- Do you know how much Explorer spent in Chapter 3? If so, comment here!
- A film concerning the events of this book is currently in production. See Quest For The Golden Waffle/Film for more.
- Spoilers Here!