An autobiography written by Spy Guy Pers.
Chapter 1: Mission of a Lifetime
It started out as a normal day in February of 07 for me, Spy Guy Pers, as I waddled into my igloo.
I moved the couch and got into my elevator leading to my secret mansion. I got into my living room when my faithful yet irritating butler, James, came in.
"Would you like anything, sir?" he asked.
I replied, "No, James. I'm fine.".
He just does not know when to stop.
"Surely there is something I can get you."
"James! I said I was fine!".
I was really annoyed now. I thought of a plan.
"James, go fetch me the 35th of October." James, always faithful, said, "Yes sir."
I flipped on the TV. "Ooh."
He said, "Get here quickly! Eray has escaped."
I knew that this was the chance to become rich. I hurried to the HQ. G was there, looking worried.
"I have been waiting for you for 25.99234 seconds!"
"Stop daydreaming and get your suit and tie on! This is the mission of a lifetime!"
Chapter 2: Beginning the Mission
After my briefing, G told me my partner would be a small penguin named Jarjarthin. They called him in, and he was bouncing off the walls.
"Why do I have to work with him?" I asked. G had a good answer. "He is going to be your agent apprentice."
OK, if I was frightened before, now I was shaking in my loafers!
He came up to me and yelled, "I am ready for action! Lets kick some tail! Wait, do penguins have tails? I will check!"
At this point he began spinning in circles.
"I can't tell! Maybe this is one one of life's mysteries! Aren't we birds! Birds have tails!"
I thought, This is going to be a long mission. Then I asked Jarjarthin if he had spent any time at the coffee shop.
He responded in a high, fast, and squeaky voice, that could barely be made out.
"Nah, I don't drink coffee."
I told him: "Please never drink coffee."
We got on the mission. We went to the Mittens plaza and found a quiet penguin named Anne Turner. She told us that she had seen a penguin walking on walls. We asked where the penguin went, and she said he was on the roof of the pizza parlor.
Then she began whispering to us, "I am an agent too."
I realized she would be a great help to us. She joined the mission. With her brains, Jarjarthins spirit, and my general awesomeness, we would be unstoppable.
Chapter 3: Framed!
As we got to the Pizza Parlor, I found some rope. Anne, Jarjarthin, and I started climbing the Pizza Parlor.
I told them, "Stay here. This is my mission."
They were reluctant, but I convinced them when I asked,
"Haven't you ever seen the movies? The hero always risks his life to look good."
I think I think stopped them with the "risking your life" thing. I climbed up to the roof and saw a brown penguin standing there. He had a cell phone like I had never seen before. He smiled.
"Oh you like my cell phone, do ya?" He took a stylus and dragged it along the screen. "Look what it can do!" he smirked. I suddenly started to float in the air. He dragged the stylus again. It was as if I was being thrown around by an invisible hand.
"This is my favorite part!" he put me down so I could watch.
Then, he pressed a button and suddenly changed! He chuckled in this new body and said, "Here is my card."
He pulled out a player card. On the top it said "Spy Guy Pers".
He turned into me!
"Here is a parting gift."
Then he dissipated. A mini TV fell on the snow. I picked it up and saw "Eray Pers" dressed like me standing next to Herbert. He was giving him PSA secrets. Right then, I heard sirens. A penguin with a bullhorn yelled,
"Put your flippers where I can see them! You are under arrest!" I looked at the mini TV. Eray waved, and vanished.
Chapter 4: The Trial
I was in the back of a PSA helicopter. G was sitting next to me and shaking his head.
"Why did you do it? You were a great agent." I was angry.
I yelled at G, "I didn't do it, I was fra-"
G cut me off.
"Everyone saw you do it. Give up the protest."
We got to the court.
I sat down in the plaintiff seat, and much to my surprise, the presiding justice was Judge Xavier, of the South Pole Council!
"Xavier! What are you doing here?"
"ORDUH! ORRDUUHHH!" the Judge responded, even though there was no choas occuring.
"Spuh Guy Pers," Xavier stated, "Ya charged with leakin' infuhmation to Herbert P. Bear, which is bad!"
Judge Xavier turned to his chair, Jonesworth.
"AND YA MADE JONESWORTH'S PAINT PEEL OFF!"
That was odd.
"Your Honor! I was framed!"
"Ya were not!"
"Was too!" I fought back.
I silenced myself.
"How do ya plead?"
I stood up.
"Penguins of the jur-"
I couldn't even finish my opening plea.
"GUILTY!" the jury shouted, in unison.
"EXACTLY!" Xavier screamed, "Ya don't need evidence when ya got this!"
Judge Xavier showed the tape of Eray talking to Herbert.
"THAT TAPE IS FAKE!! I WAS FRAMED!"
A jury member stood up.
"We, the Jury of the Mini Municipal Court Down by the River, declare plaintiff Spy Guy Pers GUILTY of all charges."
Judge Xavier leaned over to Jonesworth.
"-AND JONESWORTH TOLD ME TA SENTUNCE YA TA LIFE IN DA HOT SNOW PRISUN!"
Judge Xavier banged his gavel. The bailiff grabbed me. Ban entered the room, and smacked me with his lollipop. A vortex opened, and I appeared in jail.
I was banned!
Chapter 5:The Hot Snow
It was scarier than I thought. I had looked it up on the Internet before, but it was much worse in person.
The penguins there were cruel. Several of them beat me up, and one dunked my head in the toilet.
My cellmate was named "T-bone". I do not know what he was banned for, but he was scary. He was at least twice as tall as me and he hated green swede jackets. How could you hate green swede jackets? He did not like how I was dressed when I got there, so I put on the uniform. Unfortunately, it said on the front, "I am a dork".
I spent my first few days just sitting on my bed staring at the wall. I did not eat, or sleep, or anything. I just cried. I later decided to make the best of life in The Hot Snow.
Chapter 6: BOOOOOOOM!
After I decided to have a more positive attitude, being banned was not so bad. Except for the syrup, the endless playing of WHAT?!?, and... well,.... yeah, it still stunk. I had made friends with T-bone. One day, T found a brown lump. He came over to me and asked if I wanted to try it, but we did not know what it was.
That had nothing to do with the story, but I felt like writing it down. Now, back to the story. That night was moldy popcorn night. I was still almost starving, because I never ate what they served. It was disgusting. When we got back to our cells, I had grabbed a "bag o' pop" (that's what it said on the bag), and I accidently dropped a piece. All of a sudden there was an explosion and a strange penguin came out.
He asked me, "Is this popcorn land?" I shook my head. He seemed angry. He started shouting gibberish.
One thing I did hear was "I brought an extra minin' hat, an extra pick axe, and a detailed map showing how to escape from The Hot Snow for nothing! I WANT MY POPCORN!"
It was way too convenient.
Chapter 7: Forming a Posse
Mining Mitch (that was his name) and I got out of The Hot Snow as quickly as we could, but not quickly enough. I mean, we escaped, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this, but COME ON! That place was terrible! That point aside, we got on a mine cart. We were going to get help.
Obviously if I was going to prove myself innocent and stop Eray from probably take over Antarctica, we needed help. I took out my Spy Phone and called one person I needed to escape. Sourspy. He agreed reluctantly.
We called his close friend Mr. Black. He reluctantly agreed too. Next we made a fake player card for me. My fake name was Yes Gyp Spur. We got a disguise for me 3 more friend to help us. Next stop: United States of Antarctica.
Chapter 8: New Help
The posse and I bought 5 boat tickets to Dorkugal, the place we heard Eray was hiding. I got on and stared at the ocean.
Suddenly, I felt something brush against my leg. I looked down and saw a purple puffle. It was not like any puffle I had ever seen. It had straight hair, and was wearing brown glasses. It was actually frightening.
"Watch where you are going!", it said.
"You were the one that bumped into ME!"
"Why don't you go jump off the boat!", I responded.
I wish I never had said that.
The puffle started screaming "AMPERSAND TILDE AMPERSAND", and other things involving punctuation.
Then a light blue penguin came and grabbed the puffle.
"Sorry", the penguin said. "What the pancake- hey, you look familiar. I've seen you somewhere."
The first thing I did was run. I looked back and saw the penguin facing a mast and saying "What a weirdo."
The penguin was telling the mast that I was a weirdo? I would say that any penguin that talks to masts would be the weirdo.
I ran until I got to the other end of the ship and saw a penguin named Triskelle. He was wearing a crown.
"Why so jumpy, mate?"
He looked at my player card.
"Yes Gyp Spur, eh? Or maybe it Spy Guy Pers."
The monarch had figured out my secret. Maybe I should have made a less obvious name. Then the light blue penguin came up and apparently figured out my secret.
Chapter 9: Adrian Nun
Explorer, Triskelle, the rest of the posse (Jarjarthin, Anne, Sourspy, and Mr. Black) and I were on the boat, discussing the plans. One thing had probably eating at everyone besides Explorer for the entire time we were there.
"Why did you bring Mabel?", I asked. "I thought it would make the story more interesting." he replied.
Before we could ask what he meant, a penguin in a brown suit who had a mini-afro came bursting out the door shouting.
The mini-afro penguin came up carrying a list of things that were wrong with the room, like the door was not in the center of the wall, etc.
Jarjarthin ran up and grabbed the strange penguin and pulled him to us.
The penguin yelled, "DON'T TOUCH ME!" He took out wipes and cleaned himself. Then he preened his feathers.
"Do you have any idea who I am?"
We shook our heads.
"I am Adrian Nun!
"We need you to help us prove Spy Guy Pers innocent!" Jarjarthin yelled.
"What? That is crazy! Hee hee hee. Spy Guy Pers is not here!" Triskell said, nervously.
Adrian figured out the name too. Darn. He agreed to help us.
Chapter 10: Fred
"What happened to the rest of the boat ride? Did nothing of important's happen? How come almost every time a character is introduced the name of the chapter is that character's name? The author is obviously too lazy to come up with a good name!", Explorer protested. See, it was that comment that made me do the "character name chapters".
We got to Fred's igloo, and he had something to say too. "Why don't I get a second link?Why didn't you come to me first?"
Explorer was about to ask Fred 676 to join our quest, but he said calmly, this time to the side of the igloo:
"Author, you forgot to put a space after the question mark."
Then Fred joined the group, yada yada yada. He said he knew where Eray was hiding. We just needed to follow him and the mission would be over.
Or would it? DUN DUN DUN!!!
Chapter 11: The Short Chapter
Seemed a bit suspicious. Then I saw the figure of Triskelle falling to the ground, followed by the rest of the team. His crown fell off his head.
Then I felt a sharp pain on my back. That's the last thing I remember before I passed out.
Chapter 12: Evil's Hospital
When I came to, I was in an uncomfortable bed. I looked up and saw lights and heard a cardiograph. I saw our group next to me in beds too.
Then a penguin in a white lab coat and wearing a humorous over-exaggerated Penghis Kahn mask that would get anyone a face-full of mullet.
"What 'treatment' do you want? I will have to give it to your entire play ground though," he said mockingly.
I was still woozy from the tranquilizer darts.
"What are my choices?" I asked, pretending to be excited. I still had my sarcastic sense of humor. Good sign.
He walked over to a table with a blanket over it, and with a dramatic flourish removed it.
Under the blanket was a jar with another blanket over it, and a few needles. He picked up the needles.
He held up the first needle. It was tinted so the contents could not be seen.
He held up the second needle. It was a shiny white color.
"This one will make you elderly."
I winced at the thought of getting an aging potion.
He held up two more needles.
None of us wanted to crave Popper burgers or die with dial-up.
Then, the evil penguin smiled a sinister grin.
"And this jar..." he removed the blanket and what I saw nearly made me faint. "...is the Gruesomely-Huge-but-Completely-Harmless-Spider. Imported from Tropical Rockhopper Island! If you let it crawl over you for 30 seconds, I will let you all go."
They must have known that I was arachnophobic, and I picked the aging stuff. Clearly, everyone was mad at me.
Chapter 13: Being Old Isn't Fun
Docter Kahn came back left and came back a few minutes later. "After a discussion with my boss; I decided to let you discuss this with your team. You can all decide what to do."
We got up (which was a bit difficult) and got up and got into a huddle, but Adrian thought it would be better to be in a square, because he is afraid of germs, and that took us 10 minutes because it wasn't "perfect" to Adrian's standards.
When we got into the square we all decided that Adrian should decide because he apparently could find a loophole in anything.
"How about we choose the Fat.
"No, no, no, choose the spider."
"NO!", I shouted.
"Ok, then choose the Ditto B."
"Are you sure?"
"No. Choose the-
When Doctor Kahn cut him off, everyone let out a sigh of relief. "Time is up. Oh, and it looks like you haven't made your choice yet. Too bad!"
Let me just tell you, whoever paid Eray was not a great planner. Doctor Kahn started mixing some chemicals.
"Didn't you already have chemicals to inject us with?" I asked.
"Yes, but we did not expect you so soon. That stuff you saw in the needle was just water and food coloring," he said.
"Gotcha. So is this stuff going to make me so old that I die immediately?"
"I have no idea what you are talking about," I said. Dang, I just realized I didn't need to say that twice.
He decided to answer me after a few seconds. "You’re an actor, right? If so, surely you have heard of the Fourth Wall?"
Of course I knew what the Fourth Wall was. In a stage there are 3 walls on the actual stage, and they say we should think that the audience is blocked by a Fourth Wall. Oh well, it really doesn't make sense in the real world.
"Okay, step up and prepare for innauculation."
I was grabbed, along with my friends, and placed on cots. A quick "prick", and I suddenly began to change. I could feel my bones aching, my eyesight became cloudy, and my feathers had turned a paler color. I began to have a strange craving for prunes and the urge to talk about my fondest memories. Doctor Kahn laughed (though I had trouble hearing it) and handed me a pair of large glasses and a black cane. He helped me off the cot and took my flipper as he waddled me toward a mirror. I couldn't believe it! I was old! I LOOKED LIKE MY GRANDPA!
So, there I stood. I had white eyebrows, a pale color, and glasses that would put the Dorkugese to shame. I looked over to the others, they were all old as well. Aged Explorer was asleep, Fred was trying to calulate the quadratic formula... yet, Triskelle was unchanged. How could that be? I had to ask...
"Yo, Triskelle, sonny...-" wait, did I just say 'sonny'?! "Why aren't you an old... geezer... like me?" I had trouble speaking, I had to pause to catch some air.
"Well, lad... I'm a High Penguin, and thus am-"
"YOU'RE A HIGH PENGUIN?!"
"Do ya have superpowers, sprout?" ... did I just say sprout?!
Triskelle nodded and held up his necklace. A nearby water fountain exploded in a small torrent of water, soaking Doctor Kahn. The "doctor" lunged toward Triskelle and teleported him home to Freezeland before he could respond.
"Now, as for the rest of you, since you're all geezers and out of the way... I'm going to ship you off to the only place that accepts the elderly."
"-and where would that be? I'm dying to see it." Good. I still had my humor, even as a senior.
Before I could continue, I felt a hard slap upon my weak back. I blacked out.
Chapter 14: A Message From McFlapp
Director Benny sat at his small, cramped desk, staring dully at his Doors Vista.
Director Benny sat at his small, cramped desk, staring dully at his Doors Vista.
He had been pushing buttons for ages. If he had flippers or fingers of any sort, they would have fallen right off their limbs.
Just then, a note from Mayor McFlapp appeared on his computer screen. <!-- URGENT! YOU MUST APPROVE OR I WILL PLASTER YOUR BALLY OFFICE DOOR WITH PERMANENT BLUE SPRAY PAINT, WOT! -->
Director Benny sat upright in his chair. He re-read the pending sentence and looked at the "APPROVED" button, then at the notice.
How can I trust him? What if this is just a computer virus? thought Benny. His telekinetic force-field-thingy slowly moved towards the REJECTED button.
But then he'll plaster my office door with permanent blue paint, said another voice in Benny's head. I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WORK WITH THAT FILTH THERE!
Sighing frustratedly, Benny slammed his telekinetic force-field-thingy on the green button.
The computer shut down. Benny screamed and threw the keyboard against the wall.
All of a sudden, the computer turned on again, displaying a Blue Screen of Death.
Benny sat there fuming.
"That tern," growled Benny, "will wish he had never been appoint-"
The BSOD's text vanished, to be replaced with the following message:
MEET IN MY OFFICE IMMEDIATELY. I HAVE JUST DETECTED AN UNLAWFUL AND UNAUTHORIZED CHARACTER PROFILE MODIFICATION. YOU PROBABLY WON'T APPROVE. --MAYOR MCFLAPP POSTSCRIPT: OH, AND BRING THAT FLIPPIN' COC BOOK OF YOURS, WOT?
Benny stared at the text, simultaneously putting the keyboard back in its original place with his telekinesis. The Director smiled.
"Heh heh... lawbreakers..."
With that, Benny straightened his cap and marched out of his office.
Chapter 15: Snowflake Valley Retirement Home
Later, at the retiterment home!!! "How did I get here?" I pondered. Then I started thinking about how kids these days are so lucky with their magical computer boxes, and indoor plumbing.
"Hello, my name is Nurse Wreched."
Suddenly, the deathly scilence got even quiter. Either that or my hearing got worse.
Nurse Wretched then exclaimed "Why are you making a  'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' reference? Without my permission? I doubt anyone in this wiki has seen that movie, so you are only confusing them!"
Seriously, does everyone besides me talk like that?
"Listen, young lady. I don't have any idea what you are talking about. I think I fought in war for you, but my memory is so bad I can't be sure. One thing I do know for sure is that every young person is my grandchild and must be informed destpite their protest. And it must be in large, open public areas in front of all their freinds." Wow. I really am old.