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"A Thanksgiving Carol"

From TurtleShroom Productions


Book-checked
This tale has been told! It's done!



A Thanksgiving Carol
Thanksgivingcarol

A true holiday classic!
AuthorCharlie Dickenson
IllustratorN/A
Cover artistTSP
CountryDorkugal
LanguageEnglish
GenreFiction/Folk tale/Fable
PublisherTurtleShroom Productions
PublishedNovember 24, 2008
Media typeHardcover
Preceded byN/A
Followed byN/A


A Thanksgiving Carol is a famous book written in 2008 by Charlie Dickenson, who managed to write it on his deathbed. Considered a true holiday classic, this book centers around Edwin Freezer Luge and his employee, Curta Jobs. In the end, Edwin learns the ture meaning of Thanksgiving and comes to his senses about those around him.


Story

Chapter One: Take this Job and Shove It

It was a glorious morning in Dorkugal. Thanksgiving was just around the corner, and all of the Dorkugese were eagerly preparing the traditional feast of fish, biscuits, dressing, celery, shrimp, seaweed, sweet tea, and nachos.

Alas, not all were really into the whole "feasting for all" idea. One nerd in particular, Edwin Freezer Luge, really despised sharing. As a wealthy (and rather chubby) pioneer in Quantum Computing, he had a lot of radians. Eager to feast alone, Edwin headed straight to Floor Fifty Seven (the Giga-Market, think Wal-Mart, Circuit City, Best Buy, Kroger and Macy's combined) and bought the biggest, fattest Mullet in the building. Scanning the aisles for more goodies, he came across a huge holographic fireplace (conveniently stored in a miniature cube-shaped projector), which he promptly threw into his shopping cart. He purchased a triple-color LED lighted candelabra, seven stalks of the finest celery, ten gallons of sweet tea, and bags of other products. Finally, just to show off to the other shoppers, he bought an HDTV television, a Pad-desk, and a glowing tube of Plutonium-244.

Walking out of the store with a towering cart of products (he bought the cart as well), he strolled down the winding hallways, eventually reaching the rooms of Floor Sixty Six. Using the security eye-scanner to get in, he placed his goodies on the nearest end-table and called out.


Curta Jobs

Curta Jobs. His motto? "Stay Positive!"

"Curta Jobs!"

Immediately, Edwin's assistant came to call. Curta is a male Macaroni Penguin, about three feet in height. The frail, forty-seven year old bird dresses in a shabby grey robe, wearing broken spectacles and his tarnished I.T. badge. He serves as Edwin's IT professional, and as such, his job is to manage Edwin's computer network, making sure it operates efficiently, stays on-line, performs its functions, etc. The problem, however, is that Curta does this job alone, and the fact that Edwin's super-computer sprawls most of the room. To make matters worse, Curta is paid minimum wage, which isn't near enough to feed his family of four children and wife. To make due, he skips lunch and dinner, as well as serving the Graveyard Shift as a custodian for Floors Thirty Two through Fifty Seven.
"May I (cough) help you, Boss?" the penguin questioned. As a response, Edwin gestured to the pile of products sitting on a nearby table. Giving the little penguin a hard shove, Curta lifted the heavy pile of items, only to have them collapse under his weight. The Macaroni penguin was buried in a huge pile of electronics and edibles. Edwin grabbed Curta out of the pile and smacked him.


"You obsolete piece of Dial-up! Can't you do ANYTHING right?!"

Curta, trying to hold back tears, nodded and carried the items one by one to their proper containers and locations. After moving them and stowing them away, Edwin called for him again.


"Curta, it's 8:00 PM. As you know, the-" Edwin cringed, almost as if he was about to vomit. After shivering a bit, he continued. "-U-u-u-Union says 4:45 AM through 8:00 PM is the maximum work limit. Go home NOW. I shall see you at 4:45 AM sharp, Thursday morning. You will resume working normal hours."


"But sir! Tomorrow's Thanksgiving! The janitorial service gave me the night off! It'll be the my first good sleep in months!" The Macaroni penguin paused. "I have to set the table tomorrow! It'll take all day to program even the simplest of homemade decorations!"


Edwin glared at his technician. "Do you hear that? It's the sound of me not caring! Quantum Computers don't run themselves! You shall return tomorrow, as always."


"But sir! Even the Jerks are taking the day off tomorrow! All but the fundamental servers will be offline tomorrow! Besides, I need to spend time with my fam-"


Curta was slapped again, though it was a bit harder than usual. He got the idea, and took off home.



"Bah, debug. You can never find good help these days." Edwin retorted.



Chapter Two: Drowning In Debt

Curta was sitting down at his card table (which now served as a dinner table). He was filing through his bills, when one of his children came in. It was Marvin, the third-youngest of the Jobs household. The family called him "Minuscule Marvin", because he short-circuited himself trying to build a "nice computer" for his father, considering the fact that Curta couldn't afford anything beyond a charity type Pad-top running Command-line interface. The electrical mishap stunted Marvin's growth, and as such he is only a half an inch taller than Penghis Khan. To top that all off, Marvin had a severe case of the I-Love-U-flu 1 virus, and due to the lack of proper health-care, it can't be treated (see bottom of page). In short, Minuscule Marvin is ailing, and may die very soon.


"Hello father!" Marvin said, cheerfully. After making a dial-up sound and twitching heavily (it's a symptom), he gave Curta a big hug. It took all of his strength not to cry.


Curta's wife, Plankalkül Jobs (don't even try to pronounce it) walked in and called Curta aside.



"Curta, we're really deep in debt. I have to stay and care for the children, and you have to work all day and night. We can't live like this. Marvin needs his Norton vaccination to cure him, and you know we can't afford it. You know that the only doctor who can cure the I-Love-U-flu at this stage of severity is the cure's maker himself, Doctor Norton Von Symantec. We're in a huge crisis, and we can't even afford the smallest Mullet for a feast."



"I know we're in debt, but we can make it-"



Plankalkül interrupted.

"No. No we can't. We can not. You know why? It's all because of your no-good, obsolete boss, Edwin Freezer Luge." The macaroni penguin paused. "Luge. Oh, if I had the nerve, I'd Control-Alt-Delete that, that... heartless Ford into the jungle where he belongs!! How do you put up with such a pile of E-Waste?!"



"Plankalkül, I know Edwin is mean, but I'm telling you, we can make it. For as long as a Silicon Wafer can process eighty terabytes of memory a second, so shall we march on. Does a computer give out just because its hard drive gets scratched, or its screen gets cracked? No! It keeps moving forward. Plankalkül, that bonus raise is just a process away. I promise we'll get through it."



Plankalkül smiled weakly. She hugged Curta and walked off. Curta's children came running in.



"Father!" they screamed. "Where's the big Thanksgiving feast?"


Curta smiled. He held up what he managed to buy on his meager salary of 0.01 rad per day. It consisted of two grey fish, one biscuit, three stalks of celery, and a one-liter bottle of sweet tea. He also managed to build a cheap candle out of an old incandescent lamp he found in a dumpster, a quick program code that made it glow a red hue, and a stick of wood with copper to make it glow. The fish weighed about two pounds, three ounces each.



The children were awestruck. "Sweet floppy disks above, that's the biggest fish you've ever seen!" one commented. "That light is so cool! Did you make it yourself?" another stated. "Wow! THREE stalks of celery? FRESH CELERY?! Father, you really overdid yourself this year!" the third replied. "You're the best, Father!" Minuscule Marvin chimed in.



Curta cried a bit, and thought: "Man, I am so blessed to have such a loving family..."

Chapter Three: BBBAAAAAANNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!!

Edwin was pacing his home.


"Bah, Debug! For the sake of Binary, where's my recipe book?!" Edwin screamed. He smacked a nearby CyberGem that served as a paperweight. It rattled to the floor and rolled under the desk.


Edwin bent over to retrieve it, when he spied a book. It wasn't just any book, it was a paper book. We're talking hardcover, pure paper book. Those things were obsolete years ago! It must have been really old! He picked it up. After thinking a bit on how to operate primitive technology, he opened the cover and flipped through the pages. A particular page really stood out. It was an old recipe for "Giga Gruel". Giga Gruel was the first original Dorkugese recipe, and it was transcribed to paper by G himself. It was also the meal of the first Dorkugese colonists. Only one other copy of the recipe existed, and it was on display at The Big Fat Building O' Archives.

He read the recipe:

 ______________________________________________________________________________
|                   Giga Gruel: a Dorkugese Original                           |
|                                                                              |
| Take sixteen floppy disks and grind them to powder. Take four tomatoes, three|
| silicon wafers, two slices of Gorgonzola cheese, and mix in blender until    |
| completely liquefied. Insert one transistor for extra "zing". After mixing   |
| the batter, toss in a half-cup of flour. Pour a cup of vanilla with a dash of|
| cinnamon. Finally, solidify with a microwave for thirty seconds. Freeze in   |
| nearby cooling unit for fifteen seconds. Melt until oatmeal-like, and eat.   |
|______________________________________________________________________________|


Deciding to eat the "old-timey" recipe, he whipped up a batch of Giga Gruel and ate the whole thing in thirty minutes. He became very sleepy soon after, so he preened his feathers, took a nice shower, and settled into his sleeping quarters. He locked the shutters, scanned his eye to secure his house, and fluffed his pillow to settle in for a good sleep ready to rake in cash for the next morning. He stood on his luxurious cushions (remember, penguins sleep standing up!), and quickly fell fast asleep.

Edwin remained asleep until a screeching dial-up sound awoke him. He shot up, nearly falling over in the process. He scanned his surroundings, looking left and right. Nothing. Edwin returned to his cushions and dozed off once more. He was awoken once more to what sounded like a filing cabinet being shut. Edwin began to think... "Filing cabinets are just a myth! They don't exist, but merely serve as a myth used to scare little nerds about primitive cultures." Edwin relaxed. "It's a complete fabrication to make the young ones thankful for their technology." Upon reassuring himself with common knowledge, Edwin relaxed and settled back to sleep.

You see, filing cabinets are scary concepts in Dorkugese culture. They are the equivalent of the outhouse in our world. They seem frightening compared to modern day conveniences. All Dorkugese penguins dread filing cabinets. Many dress up as them on Halloween!


Edwin was awoken once again, to another filing cabinet. Except this one was louder.

Trying to shrug off his fear, Edwin got out of bed and walked around his house.


"Bah, debug. I must have put too many transistors in the Giga Gruel... too much americium is bad..."


Another bang. Edwin was starting to tremble. He shrugged it off once more.


"Bah, debug. It must be some crazy prankster outside."


Bang! The file cabinet echoed through the empty house.


"...it's just a broken Qubit, nothing to worry about..."


BANG!


"It's just a sound effect I left on my computer..."


BANG!!

"It's just a neighbor playing a video game..."

BANG!!!!!!

".......um, it's just a Jerk scaring the floor's residents..."

BBBAAAAAANNNNNGGGGG!!!!!!!! The final file cabinet sound was so loud, it rattled the chandelier above Edwin's head, and caused the Quantum fluids in his computer to bubble.

Chapter Four: Agentidiot Forewarns Edwin

"AAAAAAHHHHH!! PRIMITIVE STORAGE UNITS! THEY WANT MY MONEY!!"

Suddenly, the house went black. An electromagnetic storm had shattered every fuse of every electronic in the building. Edwin trembled. He looked out a window. Auroras could easily be seen flashing through the sky. Yet, no one else stirred, not even his neighbors. It was almost as if the grid blowout was just happening to him! That's meteorological impossible! By now, Edwin was scared out of his mind. The sole window that was actually outdoors blew off its hinges, leaving a gaping hole in Edwin's wall. He panicked.


"AAAAHHHH! THE OUTSIDE! IT'S INSIDE!!!!!"


Edwin cringed. A great gale whipped up outdoors, and it blew the whole outdoor-facing side off of Edwin's house. Nothing but brilliant starstruck sky could be seen. Then, the wind picked up once more, and Edwin saw a great behemoth heading straight for him. He backed up against the wall. The thing slammed onto the floor, shaking Edwin to the ground. He tripped over an LED lamp, and it glowed a soft blue glow. In the dim light, he saw a huge filing cabinet, glowing a dim, radioactive green color. It was the thing of any Dorkugese penguin's nightmares. Edwin stood there in shock. The organizing wraith hovered several inches off the floor.

It was so quiet, you could hear a floppy disk being formatted.


For what seemed like an eternity, Edwin faced the haunted, obsolete piece of iron in sheer panic. Then, it started spinning. It crashed to the floor. The lower of its three vertical drawers opened, and fog poured out. A figure familiar to Edwin rose out of the drawer, and passed through it like an apparition.


Edwin was stunned. It was his co-founder and business partner, Agentidiot! Yet, he had been deceased since shortly after Dorkugal was was colonized! It had been generations! Agentidiot glowed a pale-blue color. It cast a faint, eerie glow in the room. He donned a robe of computer spreadsheets. He wore a tattered suit on top of this, with cracked spectacles and a ripped tie.

CAT-5 cables wrapped around his body, almost like chains. Attached to these cables were modems of all shapes and sizes, sixteen keyboards, some of which lacked the | key! That meant they were really old. A rigid Command-Line processor about a foot taller than Edwin was dragged behind, secured only by an old-timey cord as thick as a quarter (the coin). The cable was wrapped around his waste. AgentGenius struggled to hover even the slightest. The processor was almost too heavy for the ghost to move. It probably weighed about fifty pounds! The old analog colossus had a one line screen on the side. In green text, the sentence "STOP ERROR, KINDNESS NOT LESS OR EQUAL TO SKUA, REGISTRY FAILURE - 0x00" glowed on the black marquee.

Edwin stared at Agentidiot. The ghost was rickety, shaking from the massive weight of the obsolete technology. It was quite a frightening sight to behold.


"EDWIN FREEZER LUGE!" the poltergeist shouted. "It is I, Agentidiot, coming from the Recycle Bin of Evil, bringing you a message! See these cables, cords, and modems? The dial-up units represent my slow, cruel torture on my employees. Notice the keyboards? I got one for every malicious program I used to hack rival businesses to steal their source codes."


Edwin stepped back. "But Agentidiot! That was the move that put our business on top! Your code and hacking, along with my hush money gave us the cutting edge quantum processing! It was the key to our success!"


Agentidiot floated back a bit. Swinging his body around, he managed to swivel the keyboards closer to Edwin, for better look.


"Are these burdens of weight worth getting some business on top? Are they worth cheating to earn money? Remember, economic competition makes products better, Luge. Driving down prices make s consumers look for better products. Total power over anything is not the way." Agentidiot turned toward the mass of cables wrapped around his body. Turning back to Edwin, he looked deep into his eyes, with a compassionate, almost pitiful look. "Your monopoly of Quantum Computing will lead to lawsuits, loss of cash, and the eventual division of your corporation! You will be left with nothing, Edwin! Nothing!"


"Wait! What?! How?! Am I dreaming?! Are you a prank hologram?!"


"No, Edwin. You are not dreaming." the ghost replied. He turned to the command-line processor. With a groan, he continued.


"You see this hideous piece of machinery... I got this for being a cruel, selfish penguin. One who had no compassion for others, who had no sympathy or selflessness. I tore communities apart trying to get to the top, to make my name known. I never extended a helping flipper to one person. Not even a little nerd being bullied by Jerk penguins... not even then. I had less than one byte, no, make that less than two bits of good in my data. I was deleted on the spot."


Then, Agentidiot turned to Edwin. Pointing a flipper straight at his beak, the ghost straightened up and looked directly at Edwin.


"But you, Edwin Freezer Luge, shall bear much more junk than I. You will end up lugging an entire file cabinet, a complete, sixteen ton tax calculating mainframe, a cash register, and oh so much more. You, as a ghost, will be unable to move. You will have to create an entirely new programming language just to float around at three miles per hour. It will be eternal misery and woe, lest you format your evil and install a kinder operating system."


"But but but but... that does not compute! By removing the weak geeks from society, it merely decreases the surplus population! Only the strong tycoons are needed!" Edwin stuttered.


"So I leave you with a final message. I just serve as the beta test in the program that is correction. You will be visited by three different paranormal items on this night, far more frightening than I. May they show you the flaws of your ways. I bid you farewell."


Agentidiot slowly faded from view. The sound of a computer shutting down rang through the air. The sounds and wind slowly whirred to a halt, and all was quiet.


"What in the name of compact disks just happened?!"


Edwin looked around. The room was exactly as it was before Agentidiot came in. Faint lights glowed in the dark rooms. All was calm.


"That's the last time I eat Giga Gruel..." Edwin muttered. He waddled back to his sleeping area, and after about an hour of trying to calm down, Edwin lulled into an uneasy sleep. The atomic clock read 12:13 AM.

Chapter Five: The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past

I had to reread the plot summary of the original several times for this part. After all, I've only seen the Disney movie.

The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past

The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past

Edwin remained asleep, a light sleep however. He awoke to the sound of a telephone, followed by the hum of a printer, and then the sound of swoosh thing those belt-ink printers do. As Edwin stood in his bed, a fax machine (no an all-in-one kind, of the record) materilized in the room. It too was floating, though it had eyes and a mouth. No hands, no feet. What looked like a crown made of silicon chips and wiring sat atop it. The entiety floated a few inches above the floor, apparently using telekinesis to pick up items.


Edwin looked at the telephone printer. It blinked, and started to speak.


"Edwin Freezer Luge, I've got a few things to show you. Get out of that bed."


Edwin was scared, but he held his ground.


"No. I shall not get out of bed for such a primitive peice of telecommunication equipment."


The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past paused.


"Oh, you just had to go there!"


"Yes. Yes I did. Now, leave me alone. I've already had a nightmare once, thank you."


"That's it. Mo more mister Nice Xerox!"


With that, the Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past whipped its phone receiver and wrapped the cord around Edwin. The penguin tried to get away, but the cord was too strong. The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past then threw Edwin into its scan thing (where papers are scanned and sent) and down he went. A scream later, and Edwin was thrown through a time warp. He blacked out.


The next thing he knew, Edwin heard a sort of ringing. He fell out of the print side of an actual fax machine in an old building. The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past appeared beside him. Edwin looked around. He was in a small office. A wooden door with a glass window bore the words "POHS TEP". It was the Club Penguin Pet Shop! Thinking back, he recalled that the Pet Shop doubled as an orphanage. Though most penguins there were just idiots pretending to be babies, occasionally a real orphan would have to reside there. Edwin walked out of the little office. Dorkugal didn't even exist. It was around 2002. Penguin Chat 3 was just came into being. Ninjas were still public. Pen Chi still served as their master, and Sensei was beginning his mountain trip. It all seemed so familiar.


He opened the door. Amidst the many idiot penguins in baby's clothing, he saw a familiar face. It was himself, aged about ten! Around his neck was a string and a piece of paper (like a cheap necklace) that read "Free Nerd, Good for a Loving Home". Two ninjas were laughing and throwing snowballs at him. They called him names, insulted his dignity, his dress, his nerdiness, and his lack of family. The young Edwin stood up, holding back tears, and waddled out of the Pet Shop. He knew no penguin would adopt a nerd.


Modern Edwin was crying. He turned to the ghostly printer.


"Why have you brought me here? Why have you bought me to a time of such... misery in my life?"


"Watch." The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past whispered.


Young Edwin stepped out into the PC3 Plaza (it didn't exist in the real game, but who cares?). He walked around, glancing at signs saying "Have a Glorious Thanksgiving", "Be Nice", etc. He saw ninjas and everyday penguins carrying around fish and cream soda, ready for a feast at their igloos (PC3 did have igloos). Edwin was sad. He lacked a family, and only had 100 coins in his account. He took out his player card. It was old and torn, not at all like a normal penguin's. He waddled toward the right of the plaza. He saw penguins driving Snow Cats and having a ball. Attempting to get in one, a ninja grabbed him at great speed by his shirt collar. "Get lost nerd. Real penguins only." the martial artist commented. The ninja threw Edwin into a snow drift. The ninjas gathered around. "What a freak. Who dresses like that?!" one chuckled. "He's unworthy of a Thanksgiving Meal." the other ninja added. They walked away laughing. Young Edwin pulled himself out, and just sat there, crying.


The current Edwin and the Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past sat behind a log.


Modern Edwin was weeping. "I had a rough childhood. I do not need a reminder! I was like an eight-track tape in a world of CDs. Worthless. Obsolete. Alone... unloved." Edwin turned to the Fax Machine. "Spirit, why did you bring me here! I hated my youth!"


"Just watch." The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving past stated.


Just then, a purple penguin walked past Young Edwin. He had rather bushy eyebrows, and a pair of bifocals (like B). He stopped and looked at him, along with the sign around his neck.


"Hello there. Little penguin, care to tell me what's wrong?"


Young Edwin looked at the bird standing above him. He turned away.


"No need to say anything. The name's Fredzerick." He handed him a buddy list invitation.

      __________________________________________
     |                                          |
     |  Fredzerick has asked to be your buddy.  |
     |                                          |
     |            Do you accept?                |
     |      _____                 ______        |
     |     | YES |               |  NO  |       |
     |                                          |
     |__________________________________________|


Young Edwin looked up at Fredzerick. With tears in his eyes, he happily accepted the invitation.


"Say... you look mighty good at computers. Care to apprentice for a degree? We can always use more geniuses in this world. How about coming to my house? I'll teach you computer basics... and maybe we can eat together." Fredzerick winked. Young Edwin knew his implication. He was going to have a family!


Young Edwin was speechless. All he could do was give Fredzerick a big hug.


Modern Edwin was crying too. Reaching into his pocket, he took out his buddy list. Wiping the years of dust off, he realized that Fredzerick was still on it. He turned to the Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past.


"We must go. I have more to show you."


He threw Modern Edwin into the scan part again.


Modern Edwin fell out of yet another fax printer. Except this printer was an all-in-one variety.


He looked around. It was still PC3, the morning of Thanksgiving 2004. This was Fredzerick's igloo/office.


Young Edwin showed up an hour and a half late. He was a lot older now, moving out of childhood, nearing the end of adolescence. Young Edwin was the human age equivalent of seventeen.


"Sorry I'm late, Fredzerick. I know it's the twenty-fourth time in a row, but you see I was bullied by Ninjas again and I had to treat some bruises and-"


Fredzerick interrupted. "Don't worry Edwin. Things happen. Here, take a bottle of cream soda and resume your work duties. You will not recieve a pay deduction. Oh, and remember, tonight's Thanksgiving! I expect you to come, right?"


Young Edwin nodded. "Yes sir. Thank you."


The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past turned to Modern Edwin.


"Make note of how compassionate your boss was. You showed up late for work almost every day, yet Fredzerick didn't care. Now, if that was Curta, you would have smacked him upside the head and make him work double overtime with a pay deduction. Isn't that right, Luge?"


Modern Edwin turned away.


"Yep. Now, I have one last thing to show you."


The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past threw Edwin in the scan slot again.


He came out of a fax machine. This one, however had all of the bells and whistles. It was a top of the line, high-tech piece of machinery. The time was evening in Modern CP, Thanksgiving 2006. This was Edwin's spacious igloo. He had made it big since his adoption by Fredzerick. Fredzerick had long left him. He went off to establish a computing service down at South Pole City.


Young Edwin, now the human equivalent of 25 years, put on his Beta hat and his best suit. He headed out to the Night Club, where a big Thanksgiving party was being held. One hundred penguins were invited on this server, and Edwin was among them. He had a big smile on his face, his eyes sparkling in merriment through his glasses. Modern Edwin and the Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past followed behind, unseen and unheard.


As Young Edwin entered the Night Club he was confronted with his girlfriend, PWNnette 7.


They shook flippers, and PWNette 7 started to speak.


"Oh Edwin, you look so great in that hat. You've come a long way since the PC3 days. You've made a fortune and helped Gary establish the server system that saved Club Penguin from collapse. Now that you've accomplished your dream, how about you settle down and marry? We've known each other for a long time, and you are the penguin of my dreams. Selfish, but still my future husband."


Young Edwin blinked and shook himself.


"You mean... settle down, raise some chicks and retire?!"


"Of course! You have all the money our future family could ever need!"


Young Edwin paused. With a frown he responded.


"I can't. I have to be more prosperous, more productive!"


"So you're saying you'd rather work than raise a family?"


Edwin gulped. "PWNnette 7, you have to understand. I'm so successulf and-"


"No. I perfectly understand. So, you want me, or your money?"


Young Edwin turned away.


PWNnette was shocked. "Edwin Freezer Luge, you greedy punk, our dating is off! May I never see your wretched beak again!" With a slap on Edwin's face and the removal of Edwin on PWNnette 7's buddy list, Young Edwin was left alone. He walked out of the Night Club without so much as eating a bite of the food. Angry, heartbroken, and downtrodden, Edwin stormed off.


"I don't need PWNnette 7, I don't need anybody. I'll make it on my own! She'll see! THEY'LL ALL SEE!" Edwin raised his flippers in the air and ran back to his house.


Modern Edwin was upset. "PWNnette 7 was the love of my life. I was never truly happy again."


"Now, I must go." The Fax Machine of Thanksgiving Past said. "There will be two more apparitions tonight." With that, the Fax Machine vanished in a flash of light. When Edwin regained full eyesight, he was back in Dorkugal, standing in his bed.


For a while, he said nothing.


"Bah, debug. What a crazy dream." Edwin tried to shrug off the experience he just had, but he still felt a good bit of remorse inside him.


"It must be that Giga Groul." Edwin said, trying to deny his guilt. After a while, Edwin fell back asleep.


The Atomic clock read 2:37 AM.

Chapter Six: The Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present

This one required a full reread of the summary article. The original Ghost of Christmas Present had two minions (Ignorance and Want), and was also scheduled to "die" after the clock struck twelve. It also ate a lot. That's the original. See here for the summary. Expect heavy changes.

Also, for any of you who know gaming lingo/slang, references, popular culture, etc., I'll need your terminology. So please feel free to edit the terms and descriptions I use for further clarity.


Edwin woke again, this time to the normal sound of a computer left on. Still upset from the Fax Machine, he hoped that nothing else would bother him that night.


"Bah, debug. I must have forgotten to power off a server yesterday."


Edwin got out of bed and walked into the adjacent room. He looked around, and everything was normal. The quantum supercomputers were all there. Everything looked normal, except a simple Desktop PC that sat on a desk which had not existed before (at least in Edwin's memory). A faint glow indicated the computer was still on. Though, something just didn't look right. For one thing, the entire systems was a light green color. The keyboard, screen, and tower-thing were all green. The screen itself looked like a much older version of Doors 2008 (actually, it looked like Windows 95). Edwin cautiously approached it, thinking it was yet another paranormal wraith looking to scare him. Slowly approaching the computer's off switch, he cringed, expecting to be thrown or grabbed, or something. Yet, nothing happened. Just the peaceful hum of an idle computer. Feeling a sense of security, Edwin touched the off switch, and the second his flipper laid upon it, a great electrical surge zapped through him. He was lifted a little off the ground, and a greenish, pixelated cloud surrounded him. He was subsequently sucked into the screen with a cry for help. The computer screen read "Download Complete: $$$.png".

The next thing Edwin could see was the room he was in. He walked forward, and bumped into something. A glass-tapping sound was heard. He tried to push, but to no avail. He looked at himself. Nothing was different. He turned his head, and it hit him! He was as flat as paper! When he twisted his body, it wrapped like paper! He looked like a character from a old-fashioned PC game! Looking around, he saw blackness. Nothing but a one-pixel line separated the "ground" from the "sky". Looking up, however, he saw large pixelated letters. They read: "THIS IS YOUR LIFE! Press Any Key to Start." He was stuck inside a computer, an antique computer game, to be exact! Looking outside to the real-world.

A figure materialized in front of him, and started typing. He looked like a penguin. He also looked like it was drawn from a computer. In fact, it was like this ghost was drawn from a cutting edge, Pixar-animation style computer. It utilized the most high-tech engineering available. His colors were brilliant, the lighting was incredible; it was as real as a computer drawing could get. He also wore a wreath on his head, and had an antenna for a scepter. His light blue eyes and deep scarlet color sparkled in the light. When he smiled, it was so warm that any normal creature, even Mabel, would smile back. He floated a bit above the ground, and a pale green light surrounded him.

He pressed a key, and the game started. Edwin was standing in a corner, and another NPC (non-playable character) walked up. In a text box, below the "ground" (think like those old Game Boy Games you played, where a picture of the character and words would be at the bottom), it said: "ENTER GREETINGS, INTO PRESENT OF THANKSGIVING. THE OUTSIDE BEING SHALL GUIDE YOU, I SHALL GUIDE YOU. ALL YOUR GUIDANCE ARE BELONG TO US. HERE ARE WE, TO SHOWING THANKSGIVING-CELEBRATION UPON THE OTHERS TO YOU."

Edwin was annoyed at the terribly bad grammar. What an awful programmer! Who does that anymore? He started criticizing.

"IN POSSESSION, STYLE OF THE BAD GRAMMAR IS YOU."

Edwin paused. He was talking in poor grammar too! Stupid programming.

The ghost outside of the computer talked to Edwin.

"You think this game is cheap? Like it was poorly funded, or improperly translated? Not everything... or everyone, is as well off as you, Luge."

"REMOVE ME FROM THE TORTURE THAT IS APPLYING ON ME OF THE GAME! DEBUG BAH!"

"All in good time."

The ghost pressed a key on the keyboard.

"YOU, NAME WHO ARE YOU?" Edwin screamed.

"Oh. I am the Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present. I'm here to prove that Thanksgiving indeed matters. It's very important to the Dorkugese, from the rich to the poor. Why, even the Fords celebrate it!"

A window appeared on top of the game's window. He saved the game to a file, with Edwin in it, to "MISER.sav", and put it on a USB drive. He flew off into the night, out of Edwin's room and through the Dorkugese Skyscraper. Soaring down the halls, the Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present turned and went straight out of the Skyscraper and into the outside world. Edwin was inside the USB drive, so he had no idea what was going on. That NPC with the grammar issues was inside with him.

"GOING ON, WHAT?" Edwin asked the NPC.

"OUTDOOR AIR FLYING, IS GRAPHICAL PENGUIN-BEING OF PRESENT. FLYING TO EVIL OF LAKE."

"EVIL OF LAKE?! THERE LIVE GREAT PENGUIN JERKY!" Edwin screamed, in fear.

"GOING THERE PENGUIN-BEING, REASON. THERE PENGUIN FORDY TOO."

Edwin gulped.


The Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present arrived at a Jerk house near Evil Lake. He flew to one of the Jerk's MP3 Players (which happened to play "The Nerds Must Fall" rap, the Jerk anthem) and hacked Edwin and the NPC into it. Looking outside of the screen, he saw and heard a Jerk penguin waddling to his house.


The Jerk kicked the door down.

--For the record, this Jerk Rap is an extremely shortened version Internet Phenomenon "Crank That Soldier Boy", with multiple verses and parts of the chorus cut out for shorter typing. I searched the Internet for a version without a single swear word and found it here, if you wish to hear it.--

"YYYOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!" the Jerk rapped. "Jerk father tell 'em. I got a new fish for y'all for da Thanksgivin'.

"YYYYOOOOUUUUUUUUU!!" The other Jerk penguins responded.

"Awwwwwwww, YOU!!"

"Thanksgivin' now in da hhooommme! Watch me cook it watch me PWWWNNNNNN! Watch me cook this celery with SOUP-N'-BREAD for all; Now tell me YOU, Cook dat Thanksgivin'! YOU! Cook dat Thanksgivin'! YOU! Cook dat Thanksgivin'! YOU! Cook dat Thanksgivin'! Got muh fishie in da HOOOMMMMEEEE Watch me smash it watch me PWWNNN! Watch me por dis here swee' T and SOUP-N'-BREAD for yyoouuuuu! Now tell me YOOOUUUUU! Cook dat Thanksgivin' YOU! Cook dat Thanksgivin' YOU! Cook dat Thanksgivin'! Thanksgivin' now in da HOOMMMMMEEE! Watch me cook it watch me PWWWWNNN! Watch me throw these biscuits see and SOUP-N'-BREAD for yyooouuuu!"


More rapping ensued, and the Graphical Penguin left the house, where he talked to Edwin. The other NPC remained silent.


"See, Edwin? Even the Jerks celebrate Thanksgiving together." the ghost turned to the Jerk house in question and listened to the Jerk rap for a minute. "It may be weird, but they do. Don't you see what you're missing? Thanksgiving is a time for fun, family, and food! A time to look back and give thanks for what you have! A time to share!"


Edwin said nothing.


"Exactly."


The Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present flew back to Edwin's room and plugged the USB into the computer. The game, NPC, and Edwin reappeared on-screen. A clock chimed six times out of nowhere. Clocks like that are obsolete in Dorkugal. Edwin looked at the ghost through the PC monitor. He was no longer cutting-edge 3D. Rather, he was more run-of-the-mill. He still had those beautiful blue eyes and scarlet color, but they were much more pale. He looked more like a character out of an old Nintendo 64 game. The 3D was choppy, there were no fancy lighting mechanisms, but he still looked all right. Still, it was almost as if the ghost was aging! That's paranormal impossible!


"I'm losing precious time here outside cyberspace. Soon, I'll age to oblivion, and be forced to return back in the Internet, where I will slowly regain my looks. Very slowly. Yet, it's worth it. Come. I have one last thing to show you.


He saved Edwin back to the USB drive and flew to another room in the Dorkugese Skyscraper. This room's entrance was in shambles. Only a simple nylon curtain served as a door. A literal hole in the wall served as a window to the outside rooms, halls, shops, etc. of the rest of Floor Sixty Six.


Plugging the USB drive into a digital camera and hacking Edwin onto the screen, Edwin looked at the building. A quick code and flash of the camera, and Edwin's grammar was restored, so he could seriously grasp what was happening.


"...what an awful residence. Spirit, who could even live in these wretched conditions?"


"No one, Edwin. Well, someone has to, anyway. Come, let me show you."


An obsolete clock chimed nine times. The Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present's quality was diminished once more. Now, he looked like a photograph taken on an old cell phone. He was flat, his colors still okay, but the quality was greatly lost. You could still see his shining blue eyes and his warm smile, but the ghost was aging fast.


The Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present flew into the shack. There was a card table, several broken computer monitors for chairs, another hole for a window, and that cheap candle Curta programmed for decoration. The little edibles that served as a "feast" sat on a wooden platter.


"Spirit... who, who lives here?" Edwin whispered from inside the camera.


Just then, Curta Jobs walked in with all his family. They sat down. Miniscule Marvin was wheeled in on a converted slide-projector cart. His I-Love-U-Flu was now about to enter Phase IV, and on the verge of crashing. After multiple screeching dial-up sounds, and twitching that is pretty much impossible for a penguin's body to handle, Marvin was also placed at the table.


Just before they all dug in, Miniscule Marvin held up an old PDA (circa 1999) to his father. On the screen, one could see "List of Service Providers We Owe Our Gratitude". It's an old Dorkugese custom to save names of creatures they owe special items and luxuries to into the Family Mobile Database. Most Dorkugese would have a spare laptop or the family PC, but not so for the Jobs family. That PDA was dug out of a dumpster and repaired by Miniscule Marvin when he was in Phase I of the disease. It was practically a family heirloom.

Curta started typing. After writing the names of their family, charities, Coins for Change, and the super markets who helped them, they also inputted the family motto, "Stay Positive".

Plankalkül started speaking.

"There sure are a good bit of people in Dorkugal who love us, are there not?"

The family all responded with "Affirmative"!

Miniscule Marvin twitched, and between dial-up sounds, he managed to cough up the phrase:

"Should we not thank Edwin Freezer Luge for providing Father with his salary?"

Everyone rolled their eyes, but they loved Marvin, so they put Edwin's name into the PDA. After Marvin looked back to his food, Plankalkül secretly typed in the word "negative" next to his name.

They all gave Marvin a hug, and ate that feast like no tomorrow.

Edwin looked mournfully at the Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present.


"The little geek thought of me... will he live, Spirit, will he?"


The ghost looked at Edwin with a serious look.


"Edwin, his I-Love-U-Flu will be his absolute demise. In fact, I see medical records reporting that he will suffer the most violent ILUF-based death since the Colonization of Dorkugal. It'll be slow and painful. Agonizing. He won't just crash, his nervous system's registry will fail, too. Dr. Norton Von Symantec will actually create a Phase VII because of it."


That means his memory would also be wiped, and Miniscule Marvin would have no recall of anything on his death bed.


Edwin stared blankly at the little penguin. He was so happy...


"Hey, only the strongest tycoons are needed. Better lose the weak ones and decrease the surplus population." The Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present had just quoted Edwin's own words.


Edwin was in disgust of his own quote. How could he have been so wrong?!


"Spirit, tell me! Will he live?! WILL HE?!"


Before the ghost could answer, the obsolete clock rang twelve times. The Graphical Penguin of Thanksgiving Present had now lost all of the technology when he first met him. He was no more than a drawing on a crude PC game, like the one that Edwin was put in. He started pixellating, and began to fade.

"Well, it's time for me to return to the Internet. I hope the final creature will change your ways. Goodbye."

The clock rang twelve times again. On strike twelve, Edwin fell out of the camera and passed out.

He woke up dazed, again. This time, though, Edwin did not make any comment. He just sat there, humming himself to sleep. The vision had been so vivid, he thought as he slipped into the subconscious.



The Atomic Clock read 3:13 AM.

Chapter Seven: The Librarian of Thanksgiving Yet to Come

For the reference, I'm using the traditional stereotype of a Librarian in this chapter, but I in no way intend this as an insult. Remember: Dorkugese nightmares and ghost stories usually involve "obsolete" technology, such as the postal service, file cabinets, etc., so I presumed the card catalog, bookshelf, and the book itself would serve nicely. What better to go with this than the "shh!" Librarian? For the record, even the most stereotypical Librarians are very friendly. Silence messes with concentration, take it from me!

Yet to Come

The Librarian of Thanksgiving Yet to Come.

Edwin was about to fall asleep when the unmistakable sound of a laptop hitting the floor awoke him. He screamed and fell off his bed. Dry ice started flowing through the room. A synthesizer served for an ominous background, with its organ setting. A dramatic choir chimed in with a high pitched "Ahh" (think the Flying Dutchman from SpongeBob SquarePants) to add to the fright.

Descending from a card catalog unit floating high in the sky, a wraith about the size of an Emperor Penguin, dressed in a long black robe, came to call. It spoke nothing. Holding a book in one hand and a staff in the other, the ghost landed on the floor with a soft thud.


"Who... who are you?"


The ghost said nothing.


"Is that a... book?"


The ghost nodded.

The card catalog floated to the ground.


"NO, FOR THE SAKE OF INTEGRALS, NO! I THOUGHT YOUR KIND USED THE COMPUTER!"


Edwin was referencing to the modern librarian, who used a computer to find books and also checked out CDs and videos. The card catalog vanished years ago, and not just in Dorkugal.

The library ghost sifted through the cards. Picking up one (reading Dirty Naughty Money II: The Retribution of the Greedy Miser) and tossing it in the air, it floated there and spun rapidly, creating a vortex with it. Edwin and the Librarian were sucked in. The card was promptly returned to its slot, and the catalog disappeared.

When Edwin awoke, he found himself in what looked like a parallel realm. There was no floor, there was no sky, just alternating masses of green and black blobs serving as a background. Bookshelves floated within the area, as did newspapers. The Librarian floated over to one, and taking it off its shelf, he quickly threw it at Edwin. The book read "That's Death!".

When Edwin came to, he realized he was at a Dorkugese Recycle Bin, their equivalent of a graveyard. Past the wrought-iron gates, hundreds of little computer based trashcans had names written on them. An orange soup-like liquid floated within. This was a traditional Dorkugese Cemetery, where the corpses are loaded into a Supercomputer in the funeral home, and deposited into the bins as orange goo. Much like cremation (but less gloomy), the orange goo sat in the Bins, where the passed away creature's body was converted into computer code and hooked to a little touch-screen monitor. On the monitor, loved ones could read the deceased profile, see an image, and even scan gifts (like flowers) into the database for further reference. Dorkugal is very proud of its grave system, but that's another story.

He looks through the mist, and sees a family mourning around a recycle bin. Sneaking closer, he realizes it was Curta and the Jobs family. He saw someone else, as well. It was... Billy Fence I, the CEO of Dorkugal?! They brought the monarch out? Wow. Yet, who was deceased? Edwin leaned closer.

On the monitor... wait, there wasn't anything on the monitor! A large sticky note was glued upon the screen, the monitor itself was black.

The sticky note read: "Here Lies "Minuscule" Marvin Bill Jobs, Deceased of Record ILUF. Visited by Royalty, Loved by All. - RIP (Rest in Partition)


"Oh... oh no... NO!" Edwin shouted. "NO!! Spirit, say it isn't so! Minuscule Marvin... is he.. is he..."


The Librarian of Thanksgiving Future nodded. Picking up a baton, he pointed it toward another area. It was a Mausoleum, and a grand one at that. Made of solid silicon, three feet thick, with a golden door, it was a sight to behold. A laptop was being carried in. Laptops were for the wealthy, they had all the bells and whistles (except talking to he dead, that's impossible). Yet, there were no mourners, no sadness. In fact, the only penguin there was holding a balloon. Several penguins came up as the door shut and was locked.


"So that's the grave, huh?"


"Whew. Sure is fancy. What happened to his money?"


"The last I heard, it was seized by the Government, and distributed to Coins for Change. There were no heirs to the fortune, and no one really wanted it."


Another nodded.


"Yet they brought the CEO to a pauper's grave. Kind of tells you something, doesn't it?"


"Yeah; it does."


"Quite a shame, really."


"Want to get a smoothie?"


"Sure. It's not like anyone really cares about this thing." He pointed a flipper at the mausoleum.


"Well, it's fancy, I'll give him that."


"Yep. Let's have a smoothie. Maybe we will get to see the public filming of that chick's funeral tonight. He sure was cute."


"And respected."


"And loved."


"I remember that time he gave me that floppy disk, you remember?"


"Yeah. He was broke, but he gave all he had anyway. Marvin was one PWNsome geek."


"Agreed. I can't believe Marvin died like that."


Suddenly, a Jerk penguin came up and tried to spray-paint one of the screens. One of the penguins near the Mausoleum scolded him.


"Hey! Don't spray-paint the graves! Spray-paint that!" The penguin pointed to the mausoleum.



Edwin and the Librarian looked at each other. Edwin was weeping.

"Spirit, whose grave is that? Why do they hate it? Why is someone spraying ACP on it? Where is the respect? AND WHY IS MARVIN DEAD?!"

The ghost said nothing.

"So, Marvin died in suffering and cheap grave, yet this guy died rich and unloved?"

The Librarian nodded.

"Tell me, whose grave is that?"

The Librarian took out an LED Keychain Pointer and aimed it at the carving on the roof of the mausoleum and its epitaph.

There, etched above the door with laser precision bore the words:

                       __________________________________________
                      |    Edwin Freezer Luge - Quantum Tycoon   |
                      |The Wave of the Future is a Sad One Indeed|
                                                                


The Librarian looked straight at Edwin. In a hushed voice, it stated: "It's yours."


"NO! NO! This is all lies! I'LL CHANGE! I GIVE MY WORD!"


The ghost picked up a book that bore the title "Live and Let Die" and threw it at the golden doors. They rattled and slowly creaked open, where a great vortex started pulling Edwin in.

"SPIRIT! NO! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL CCCCHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" Edwin could say no more. He was sucked into the mausoleum. The doors immediantly slammed shut.

Looking at the doors, the Librarian of Thanksgiving Future hissed: "SSHHHHH!!!"

Chapter Eight: Retribution, Payback, and Too Many Sacks of Radians

Edwin woke up on the floor, entangled in covers and cushions.

He sat up.


"I'm alive? Marvin's alive?" Edwin paused. "...Marvin! Tell me, tell me I'm not to late!"


He rushed out of his home, down the residential corridors, and into the great expanse of stalls, shops, and restaurants. He slammed two hundred radians onto the counter for a calendar. Picking it up, he saw it. It was the forth Thursday in November!


"OH, THANK MOTHERBOARDS, THEY DID IT IN ONE NIGHT!"


"Edwin?!" The calendar penguin asked.


"Good morning friend! Happy Thanksgiving!"


Slightly bewildered, the nerd wiped his glasses (he thought he was seeing things) and put them back on. Yet, it was Edwin, the same penguin who screamed at him every morning.


"Um... good morning, Mister Luge. You know, that calendar was only ten radians."


"Aww, keep the change! Here! Have some more!" He threw a bag of two thousand radians on the counter. "I've got so many radians, I could build a new Skyscraper with the cash! I have radians to melt, too much to use! Go ahead! Take it! I insist!"


The calendar penguin smiled. Edwin looked... so... so happy! He had never seen him smile!


"Wow, thank you! Thank you so much!" the geek beamed a wide grin.


"HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I've got lots more to do!" Edwin ran off. The calendar penguin checked to see if the money was real. Indeed it was!


Edwin ran up and down Floor Sixty Six, shouting "Happy Thanksgiving" to everyone.


He saw Explorer. He remembered him. He ran him over in a snowmobile down at the beach on Floor Twenty Four.


Explorer glared at Edwin. He whipped out his shovel, ready for attack.


"Get back miser. I've got a spade!" His shovel gleamed in the light.


"HAPPY THANKSGIVING EXPLORER! Here, have some radians! Edwin promptly tossed 42,705 worth in radians into Explorer's player card." Withdrawing his shovel, he looked at Edwin. An awkward silence ensued. Explorer turned to a wall and screamed for some invisible force to continue the story.

Explorer turned back to Edwin and said, in an ironically calm tone, "Paranormal experience, Mister Luge?"


Edwin ignored Explorer's weird outburst. "Affirmative, my boy, affirmative! Oh, and what it taught me! Happy Thanksgiving!"


Explorer found it weird.


"Oh, and about that whole... snowmobile incident... I'm sorry. I have a gift in return."


Edwin tossed the keys to his snowmobile, and his backup snowmobile, and the backup of his backup snowmobile.


"You're giving me three snowmobiles?"


"Yes sir! It's the least I could do."


Explorer smiled. "SWEET! I knew it was a good time to vacation!" he shouted.


Edwin ran off. Explorer took the snowmobiles and keys Edwin had left next to him and drove off.


Edwin continued his gift spree. He came across P, who had taken out a loan for a twenty foot blueprint to draw on, and couldn't pay it back. Even a member of G 's Family couldn't do that at six! P looked at Edwin. He was rather nervous. No young child liked to be screamed at.


"Perry!" Edwin screamed. "How's my favorite artist?"


Perry said nothing.


"About that loan? It's canceled. Don't worry."


Perry smiled.


"Say... how would you like a sponsor for your blueprint art?"


"Wow! I'd love that!" Perry jumped up and down.


"Well, I happen to own a blank room on Floor Eighty Nine... would you like it as a gallery?"


"YES! YES YES YES!!!" Perry squealed in delight.


Edwin then handed P the deed to the room, the code for the eye scanner, and two hundred radians (because he can).


"Don't worry, Perry. That was going to be a vault for my money. Who needs vaults when you've got player cards, right? It was a waste of square footage. It's yours."


Perry ran off in joy.


"Let's see. I've repayed Explorer, check. Lifted the loan off a six-year old chick, check. Let's see... of course!"


The Jobs family needed an apology. Edwin ran down to the Giga-mart and bought everything he could. He bought food, televisions, computers, game consoles, a home theater system, etc. He loaded them all into a crate. Hauling said crate with the cart he bought at the start of the story, he set off to the Jobs family house.


He ripped off the curtain on the doorway, faking an angry mood.


Curta was surprised.


"Edwin?"


Edwin walked in.


"See this? It's a crate of bills. Get working on it!"


Curta frowned. One of hs children brought Minuscule Marvin in on his cart. Marvin happened to see a CAT-5 cable hanging off the crate's lid.


"Edwin? That's not a crate of bills."


Curta noticed it just then, as well. He opened the crate. It was loaded with expensive electronics! He was stunned.


"Edwin... thank you!"


"By the way, while on the subject of electronics... you happen to know a lot about Quantum computing, right?"


Edwin replied. "Yes sir. I'm the only IT penguin in Dorkugal with the credentials." He pointed to the seven certificates held on the family mini-refrigerator by a magnet (think those tiny fridges that can hold barely two gallons of milk).


"Exactly. Curta, I've been paying you too low for a bird with eleven years of education. I'm going to multiply your salary by thirty five hundred, then cube it."


Curta's mouth fell agape. That was 42,875 rad!


"Now close your beak," Edwin continued. "I have more. Marvin is sick with the I-Love-U-Flu, correct?"


"Yes, he's about to enter Phase IV," Curta responded.


"Well, I'll tell you what. You and your family come and live with me, in my house, at my expense, and I will personally hire Doctor Norton to screen you all, and cure Marvin. Finally, when I'm dead and gone, I shall leave Curta my estate, its patents, and its computers. Everyone else in Dorkugal are too stupid." He turned to Curta with a smile. "You're the only penguin I know who can run a qubit."


Curta was starting to cry. Yet, this was a sob of joy. Marvin lifted a frail flipper toward his father.


Between twitching and dial-up, he managed to cough: "HA! I told you! Edwin does PWN, after all! I knew it. Thanks father, for typing him in the PDA."


Plankalkül quickly took the PDA and quietly erased the "Negative" next to Edwin's name.


"Now, if you sign this contract, this will all be granted."


Curta signed the contract before Edwin could hand him the pen.


"The deed is done. Happy Thanksgiving, Curta and family!"


"Let's eat, everyone!" Marvin chimed in. Edwin gave him a hug. Then they ate.



FIN

Epilogue

Fred shut the cover of the blue book. He could not believe what he had just read. It was physically, practically, and literately impossible!!!

Suddenly, Explorer, his rather spastic twin brother, came bounding into the room.

"Hey, Fred!" Explorer grinned as he waddled over to the stunned geek. "You won't believe what happened! That bitter old miser Mr. Luge just gave me 42,705 radia! Plus those three other snowmobiles that he 'accidentally' ran me over with two years ago!"

Fred took one look at the closed book, with its golden lettering spelling "A THANKSGIVING CAROL", and fainted.

"Funny, that that happened," Explorer remarked as he looked at his unconscious brother. "Bah, who cares? SHOPPING SPREE!!!"

Real or Not?

"For" Evidence

The Snell-Libros are currently investigating the reality of this story. So far, they managed to come across the author, who tells them "Yep, it's real". They photographed the snowmobiles (which exist), scanned for DNA, and even searched for Edwin. So far, they did find DNA belonging to a heavily aged penguin, but have yet to track Edwin himself. Curta remains undiscovered. The author states that

The greatest argument (that Fred always denies) that there is indeed' a Quantum computer business, and its founder was indeed greedy.

Explorer has spent hours arguing with his brother (just to annoy him) that the tale is real. He even has footage of being run over. Fred is in denial.

The Snell-Libros actually met Doctor Norton von Symantec, asking about a patient named "Marvin Jobs".

Norton's response? He holds up his patient log in mockery and retorts:

I shan't disclose patient information just to confirm a story. I have every patient treated right here, and I will not disclose it to atomic snails.

The Snell-Libros then gave him a CyberGem, specifically a small byte of CyberKnow (the Deep Russian amethyst).

Response?

"OOOHH! Shi-i-i-i-i-i-i-iny... alright. I did have a patient cured from the ILUF with the surname of "Jobs", and I have several with the same surname who were screened for prevention. All were privately funded, and all were of Dorkugese descent. I shan't tell more."

Also, the unfinished story, Quest for the Golden Waffle (which has been proven to be real, by the way), contains a bit of text about Explorer meeting a penguin called "Edwin Freezer Luge". Explorer has said that the experience was, in fact, real, but that he does not closely know the Mr. Luge nor his IT assistant.

"Against" Evidence

  • There are not any Librarians in Dorkugal. They are obsolete in that nation.
    • File Cabinets do not exist in Dorkugal, either.
      • Nor does the Card Catolog.
  • The Epilogue of the story, combined with Chapter 3 of Quest For The Golden Waffle, creates a paradox: Fred, who was reading the story in Chapter 3 and so must have read the Epilogue of A Thanksgiving Carol, would be reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself reading about himself... you get the point.

The myth marches on.


Trivia

  • Why fish instead of turkey? Think long and hard. Give up? Penguins and turkeys are birds. One eating the other... that's just wrong!
  • Lewis Jobs plays the role of Scrooge's slave-like secretary. His name is a combination of the "Curta", one of the world's first true calculators, and Steve Jobs, the founder of the Apple Company and inventor of the Macintosh.
  • Plankalkül Jobs, Curta's wife, was named after the Plankalkül programming code, the world's first advanced computer programming language. No, I do not know how to pronounce it.
  • The writer, Charlie Dickenson, died shortly after completing the book.


The I-Love-U-flu

  • The I-Love-U-flu infection is a direct parody of the I-Love-U Virus that took the e-mail world by storm in 2000.
    • In Dorkugal, it's an actual medical illness that results in coughing, fever, wheezing, and the occasional dial-up sound. If not treated in time, it can cause the victim to "crash" (the Dorkugese equivalent of a coma). The final stages have the infected penguin start screaming "An error has occurred. Press Enter to Return to Windows, or press Control Alt Delete to restart your computer. You will lose any unsaved data." The weird part is that a penguin is a living thing, and thus is not a computer. Doctors insist this happens every time a penguin enters an I-Love-U coma. The final symptom involves the infected creature's eyes rolling into the back of their head, the whites turning a pale blue color. After one last repeat of the sentence, the victim immediately dies.
      • The I-Love-U-flu is curable at any time except after the victim's eyes roll back into their head. However, the longer you wait, the more experienced a doctor has to be to cure. The more experience, the more expense.

See also

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